[Ash is just as helpless in the hands of a man who doesn't presently wish him any ill will. The agency and normalcy and sense of self, something that can't simply be given back is taken when that happens, something that, by Blanca's initial calculations, Ash should have long enough been out of that such a thing was no longer a risk or a threat. Something that it was pointless to allow to grow back. Now he was here trying to foster it by tending to his body, as if he could reach beyond the skin to the intangible feeling stored somewhere not so physical but that feels undesirably real just the same.
If Ash's actual lover didn't exist, or more precisely if guilt over a monogamy the other man was himself supposed to have freed Ash from but still lords over him with his own self destructive actions, then maybe he would be able to reach further, maybe he would be able to matter just a little more here. He was able to once, when Ash had thought the man dead.
And look where that lead them. Blanca's quite happy with the outcome, but if time were to turn back, Ash would, without a doubt, undo it all.
To think back then he thought Ash would grow past even wanting to undo his childhood and find it all a worthwhile struggle to stand where he should have. Truly, Ash was determined to make his own way.]
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If Ash's actual lover didn't exist, or more precisely if guilt over a monogamy the other man was himself supposed to have freed Ash from but still lords over him with his own self destructive actions, then maybe he would be able to reach further, maybe he would be able to matter just a little more here. He was able to once, when Ash had thought the man dead.
And look where that lead them. Blanca's quite happy with the outcome, but if time were to turn back, Ash would, without a doubt, undo it all.
To think back then he thought Ash would grow past even wanting to undo his childhood and find it all a worthwhile struggle to stand where he should have. Truly, Ash was determined to make his own way.]