[Ash doesn't want him in the bed he shares with his actual lover. But despite having a downstairs bedroom, he makes Max sleep upstairs? There's something cruel about that. But he nods, obligingly.
Ash feels guilty about him being here. Nothing he does, or doesn't do, will change that he's simply not the man Ash is now emotionally entangled with, and even his attempts to bring him to the one he really needs had to be cancelled for the fact of being who he was.
It'd been quite some time since he'd distinctly felt an incapacity to be enough for a situation. When Ash had first thought he'd lost the man, of course he hadn't been enough to replace him, but he'd been enough to escape the grief at least temporarily. Blanca had been who Ash wanted, and who he could escape into. It's a bit different, this time, his existence itself being a niggling point of agony in Ash's already complicated web of thoughts and suffering. He wanted to soothe his suffering. If not completely, he wanted to be a distraction, he wanted Ash to enjoy making him look silly, wanted to bring Ash away from the world where that happened. But it seems he can't. Maybe because he failed to do so when Ash was younger, but the more likely reason is because Max Lobo will still have to come to know about it, meaning there's no escape, the future is always there. Max is reality, Blanca is a fun little fantasy fling.
no subject
Ash feels guilty about him being here. Nothing he does, or doesn't do, will change that he's simply not the man Ash is now emotionally entangled with, and even his attempts to bring him to the one he really needs had to be cancelled for the fact of being who he was.
It'd been quite some time since he'd distinctly felt an incapacity to be enough for a situation. When Ash had first thought he'd lost the man, of course he hadn't been enough to replace him, but he'd been enough to escape the grief at least temporarily. Blanca had been who Ash wanted, and who he could escape into. It's a bit different, this time, his existence itself being a niggling point of agony in Ash's already complicated web of thoughts and suffering. He wanted to soothe his suffering. If not completely, he wanted to be a distraction, he wanted Ash to enjoy making him look silly, wanted to bring Ash away from the world where that happened. But it seems he can't. Maybe because he failed to do so when Ash was younger, but the more likely reason is because Max Lobo will still have to come to know about it, meaning there's no escape, the future is always there. Max is reality, Blanca is a fun little fantasy fling.
Escapism's not enough.]