[ Ash wishes he could say 'don't expect me to get raped so you can do it again' but... he's sure someone else will try. ]
We've ended it more than once. Why are you more hung up on that than the time I took a plane to drag your ass back? If anybody should be questioning stuff, it's me. I've always come back on my own. Even that night, it lasted less than 12 hours.
[ The next drink is a longer one. ]
When I lost Griff, it felt like something small really did break. Like he was the part of me that hoped for anything. Part of me wanted to die with Shorter. I'd have traded places with Eiji without missing a beat.
I couldn't confront any of that when I thought you were dead. I wasn't numb. I wanted to be numb. I thought I hated that feeling, but I wanted it for just an hour that night. I cried. I was pissed. You knew I'd have let them use me without a break if it meant not having to see your dead body so I was really, really pissed that you left me alone to handle that.
But it's more selfish than that. I don't just want you alive. I told myself that it was okay because you'd be living a safer life out there, but it was bullshit. I didn't want you alive, I wanted you here, too. You made me feel like I could be selfish and then changed everything. You can be pissed and yell at me all you want for the Blanca stuff, but I have the right to be pissed, too.
no subject
We've ended it more than once. Why are you more hung up on that than the time I took a plane to drag your ass back? If anybody should be questioning stuff, it's me. I've always come back on my own. Even that night, it lasted less than 12 hours.
[ The next drink is a longer one. ]
When I lost Griff, it felt like something small really did break. Like he was the part of me that hoped for anything. Part of me wanted to die with Shorter. I'd have traded places with Eiji without missing a beat.
I couldn't confront any of that when I thought you were dead. I wasn't numb. I wanted to be numb. I thought I hated that feeling, but I wanted it for just an hour that night. I cried. I was pissed. You knew I'd have let them use me without a break if it meant not having to see your dead body so I was really, really pissed that you left me alone to handle that.
But it's more selfish than that. I don't just want you alive. I told myself that it was okay because you'd be living a safer life out there, but it was bullshit. I didn't want you alive, I wanted you here, too. You made me feel like I could be selfish and then changed everything. You can be pissed and yell at me all you want for the Blanca stuff, but I have the right to be pissed, too.