![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Day 260 - Sunday, September 7th
Mar. 6th, 2023 08:50 pm[Lying there without sleep does in fact get boring. Mind numbingly so. Worse even still as the alcohol wears off without the pleasure of sleeping it off. The night is long. It's insufferably long. If asked if it's worse when his brain is active or inactive, Max doesn't have an answer. The cats become slightly active around 3:00 in the morning, but only in the sense of moving enough to remind Max they're even there. They're as good a cue as any to relive the cabin experience, to think over how it would have gone with Blanca. Then there's time to think of how it would go if Ash had been alone. Or with Eiji. All of them are better outcomes.
Ash would call it wallowing in self pity. Maybe it is. It's not any easier to stop for knowing that than it is for Ash to think better of himself. And just like that, if it were a matter of lining up the facts, the simple fact that he has the title of boyfriend has trapped Ash to him, and he wins over all of them, because Ash gets to choose, and if sticking with the guy he feels guilt bound to makes him feel less shitty for breaking up a family, the least Max can do is pretend to be happy too. But is dishonesty really right? Isn't it when honesty is just annoying wallowing?
He wouldn't want Ash to fake it, though. Knowing Ash wouldn't fake it was how he could handle a sex life that was so one-sided, in the end. The lack of response was better than a lie.
Why can't Ash just be with the people who make him happy? If he wasn't holding him back with the guilt of being someone he was committed to now, at least then he might believe more in their happy times, since Ash pursued other options and could just ditch him when he was inconvenient. Which he was going to be for a long time, now. Only, Ash felt bad about why. So he was trapped.
He was probably about due for another weekend with Blanca, though. This time he'd prove he could be a good boy, but maybe that'd be far off for how badly he took it last time.
If he was going to be a cuckold, it should've been to Eiji instead.
Maybe he's rooting for Eiji now so that Blanca, too, can be cucked. But it'd only be possible with Blanca as protection for Eiji.
Ash choose to be trapped with him. And if Ash wanted, he'd just leave when he wanted, too. Just like he ultimately took on the tutoring he wanted, invited Blanca back into his life like he wanted, fucked him like he wanted, and--even at Max's insistence--took him on as a lover, which he wanted, the only reason Max insisted.
This same cycle of thoughts every sleepless night is tiresome, and yet never enough to actually sleep.
Around 9:00, he'll untangle himself from Ash, finding him still sleeping. Lying there for over twelve hours without doing a thing isn't good for anyone.]
Ash would call it wallowing in self pity. Maybe it is. It's not any easier to stop for knowing that than it is for Ash to think better of himself. And just like that, if it were a matter of lining up the facts, the simple fact that he has the title of boyfriend has trapped Ash to him, and he wins over all of them, because Ash gets to choose, and if sticking with the guy he feels guilt bound to makes him feel less shitty for breaking up a family, the least Max can do is pretend to be happy too. But is dishonesty really right? Isn't it when honesty is just annoying wallowing?
He wouldn't want Ash to fake it, though. Knowing Ash wouldn't fake it was how he could handle a sex life that was so one-sided, in the end. The lack of response was better than a lie.
Why can't Ash just be with the people who make him happy? If he wasn't holding him back with the guilt of being someone he was committed to now, at least then he might believe more in their happy times, since Ash pursued other options and could just ditch him when he was inconvenient. Which he was going to be for a long time, now. Only, Ash felt bad about why. So he was trapped.
He was probably about due for another weekend with Blanca, though. This time he'd prove he could be a good boy, but maybe that'd be far off for how badly he took it last time.
If he was going to be a cuckold, it should've been to Eiji instead.
Maybe he's rooting for Eiji now so that Blanca, too, can be cucked. But it'd only be possible with Blanca as protection for Eiji.
Ash choose to be trapped with him. And if Ash wanted, he'd just leave when he wanted, too. Just like he ultimately took on the tutoring he wanted, invited Blanca back into his life like he wanted, fucked him like he wanted, and--even at Max's insistence--took him on as a lover, which he wanted, the only reason Max insisted.
This same cycle of thoughts every sleepless night is tiresome, and yet never enough to actually sleep.
Around 9:00, he'll untangle himself from Ash, finding him still sleeping. Lying there for over twelve hours without doing a thing isn't good for anyone.]
