[By now, Max has learned that any positive feeling he has is going to slip away as soon as he capitalizes on it enough. Any gains he thinks he's made are illusory. He's been out of the hospital almost a month now (in his mind--in reality, it's been merely two weeks, half of the time period he's thinking; but the end of the month makes it feel more like a month has passed). It's time for him to be better. And yet he's not. It's because he's old and past his prime. If Eiji was out of a job before graduating high school, past his prime, what chance did Max have, who was never even special enough to be much of a high school athlete, certainly not at scholarship level like Eiji?
But none of that can be voiced to Ash. Ash will be bound to him by loyalty. And there's nothing he can do to free him. And if he expresses it, Ash will just suppose he's not proving to Max he deserves it enough. But that's a sick form of guilt; the fact is nobody deserves Ash. But he's the one who has him. Officially. That Russian guy he hasn't heard much about (Ash must be keeping his flirting a secret) also has him. And if Ash would let himself have him, Eiji could have him, too.
It's very convenient to act like he's trapped too, so he has no obligation to Ash, because, he tells himself, there's nothing he can do for him.
Even if today's test turns out well (it won't), he doesn't deserve him. He doesn't deserve this life. He doesn't deserve the circumstances that allow for any recovery he can make.
But he can fake it. He does think he's gotten better at that. Faking as if he's just given up deep thought and fallen into enjoying the benefits and privileges of having seduced a broken heir is a lot easier than you might think. More proof he doesn't deserve it.]
Day 219 - Tuesday, July 28th
But none of that can be voiced to Ash. Ash will be bound to him by loyalty. And there's nothing he can do to free him. And if he expresses it, Ash will just suppose he's not proving to Max he deserves it enough. But that's a sick form of guilt; the fact is nobody deserves Ash. But he's the one who has him. Officially. That Russian guy he hasn't heard much about (Ash must be keeping his flirting a secret) also has him. And if Ash would let himself have him, Eiji could have him, too.
It's very convenient to act like he's trapped too, so he has no obligation to Ash, because, he tells himself, there's nothing he can do for him.
Even if today's test turns out well (it won't), he doesn't deserve him. He doesn't deserve this life. He doesn't deserve the circumstances that allow for any recovery he can make.
But he can fake it. He does think he's gotten better at that. Faking as if he's just given up deep thought and fallen into enjoying the benefits and privileges of having seduced a broken heir is a lot easier than you might think. More proof he doesn't deserve it.]
So what's my reward if the test turns out good?