Day 265 - Friday, September 12th

[papalobo]

[A Chinese man who is definitely a mature adult and not a teenager checks in to the Hyatt, one of their more exclusive rooms, along with his half-white half brother who is also certainly not a teenager and most definitely not the notorious gang leader wanted on suspicion of a September 11th New York City bombing in retaliation for an angry rogue sect of anti-American zealots.

The entire suite floor has been rented out, and it requires a special key card in the elevator and on the stairs to enter that floor. But they can rent one of the still very luxe rooms directly beneath.

A familiar white limo is in the car garage, though the opportunity to gawk or investigate is slim, between the security cameras and live guards.

There's still no contact from Max, but the Department of Homeland Security has become involved, and has begun to enter Ash's territory with intent to arrest any known figures within his gang to bring in for questioning.]

Day 284, Wednesday, Oct 1st

Comments

[papalobo]

You wouldn't be with him if you didn't still need him.

[jadedlynx]

What do I need him for?

[papalobo]

You tell me. Where's he following up on you or doing jack for you when all this's happening, huh?

[jadedlynx]

You think he's watching me and waiting to swoop in to save me?

[papalobo]

I would be. Eiji would be.

[jadedlynx]

He doesn't love me.

[ Blanca cares for him. He did come to New York. But it's not love. ]

[papalobo]

If I did, it'd be enough that you need him. That'd be the end of it.

[jadedlynx]

[ If he did? Love him? Was that Max's confession? It felt like it with the flow, but Ash isn't sure it would be that casual yet. ]

I don't need him. You asked me that night if I needed him. If I loved him. I told you no.

[papalobo]

I just became that selfish. Jessica was probably right...

[Ash is too close now. But there's nowhere to run.

Ash doesn't love him. But he does need him, no matter what he says. Because he's not leaving him. If Max says it's okay, he wants it. How often does Ash let himself do something for himself? Only when he needs it. Max didn't think he needed Blanca back then, after that torturous Spring, when Max himself had needed Blanca, in order to save him. But Ash knows what Ash needs, even if he can't say it.

Max can't make Ash not need him. The most he can do is not make him feel guilty for getting what he needs.

He can't stop being bitter he's not what he needs. Ash says he is, but he's not. He's not someone who can believe in a normal life where Blanca and his skill level isn't needed for Ash, not any more than Ash is.

He still believes he can have Eiji. He still believes Blanca will leave Ash still in need of something the bastard never provided. But Max isn't 'it'.]

[jadedlynx]

Like I said.

[ Ash closes out of the shopping tab. ]

We were both stupid to pretend back then. I'd have said no if you asked me to date somebody else, too.

[papalobo]

There's really no saving it this time, huh?

[jadedlynx]

Don't leave.

[ The two words sound like they were laced with barb for how painful and choked his voice becomes. ]

You don't have to date me, but don't leave. You can talk about all these people I need, but even if I've made mistakes about it, I need you.

[ Don't beg, he'd promised himself, only to beg in the most pathetic way he could. The problem was that the moment Ash says 'yes', there was no going back. It really, really is the last ditch effort. ]

[papalobo]

Then, you stay too!

[Turning, pulling Ash from the arm of the chair, he wraps both arms around him.]

We were alright in the car! Even if I don't got a plan! Even if I'm just me! Even if I don't believe in it, and I'm a selfish son of a bitch and everything that bitch said's right... It's fine if you leave me, but don't give up on whatever the hell you wanna go to school for, and on having pets and....

[jadedlynx]

[ For a brief moment, there's nothing. Ash tries to collect himself, but everything bursts out. It starts out with a singular sob until he's burying his head against Max's chest and gripping at whatever he can reach.

Ash should say something here. He should speak, but the sobs leave no room for speech. All he can do is cry in a way that's raw and loud and unfiltered.

His world got so screwed up, and all he wanted was Max, but he'd broken him down so much that he hates himself too much to be there. ]

[papalobo]

[There's no argument to be had, if Ash doesn't say anything. Max can argue indefinitely. Not well, but if it's just a matter of being mad and yelling back... This, he can't yell away, can't punch away, can't write away.

That sound out of Ash is primal in how painful it is to hear; Max had surges of protectiveness over his wife, his child, and most strongly over Ash. It drove him to seek Blanca himself before. Now, it hits a nerve, some part of him deep and buried and numbed enough that it had seemed deadened, and yet that struggling hold, that sob, demands something in him, that something that pushed through having his hand stabbed, through gunshot wounds, come back. It's as if he's on the verge of having the gun pulled at his temple again. Only thing time, it's not okay. This time, Ash won't be free to fight. Ash won't be okay. Ash isn't okay.]

Fuck it.

[His voice his low, gravelly, but sure, as he pulls Ash into his lap.]

It's gonna be fine. Everything. I was stupid. I won't even say sorry or ask you to forgive it. I'll just make it better. All of it.

[jadedlynx]

[ It's not as if Ash hasn't cried before. He's sobbed to Eiji and Blanca too. Likely, he cries more than most would assume and yet still much less than his circumstances would suggest. Rarely is it so very wounded and beyond his control. It's not the quiet tears that usually come, but the sound of an animal on the verge of death.

It says a lot without saying a word. 'It hurt' 'I was so scared' 'I can't fix it' 'I'm losing everything I finally allowed myself to want' 'I messed up' 'I'm sorry' 'I still feel them' 'I still smell them' 'I still hear them' ' I want to stay with you' 'I don't want to go back to that life'

As close as his body is, he can feel Ash trying to speak. This wasn't meant to guilt Max into anything, but there was no sound beyond the tears. If Max is going to open himself up, Ash settles into the lap, head still buried against whatever space is available. ]

[papalobo]

Dumbass. [Max's hand lightly smacks at the back of his head, as if he can hear those unspoken words. He moves to even urge Ash to pull his legs up, really curl up like a damned brat despite the two of them being almost the same height.] If you're dumb enough to settle for me, I'll be dumb enough to make you watch me fuck it up and not be enough, over and over and over again.

And I'm gonna get them back, too. Me 'n Peter. And some other rags if they're useful, but that guy, his readers, we'll find other people, enough evidence it ain't all on you. We'll keep the victims safe. And use your money and my fame and shit, we'll pull in your other boyfriend if we got a use for him.

It won't get undone, but it won't end like this, either. I'm the author here. I'm not the best writer who'll definitely get you to a happy end, but...

[jadedlynx]

[ But will he? Haven't they tried this again and again and again and then again for good measure? Isn't this just putting off the inevitable? But when was the last time Max's voice sounded like that? Not angry or defeated but...

It felt like Max. Somehow, Ash manages to cling harder. There's something that sounds almost like a chuckle in the midst of the cries. ]

Not...fi-tting there...

[ Curled up against Max. Ash isn't actually a cat. The words barely make it out, but they do. ]

[papalobo]

Shut up! [Max's hands insistently pull and rearrange Ash's feet and legs, urging the boy's wet face into his shoulder, instead of his chest, the other arm keeping him balanced as one leg stretches out to hook his foot around the edge of the desk just in case the chair threatens to tip.] There's an internet joke thing about cats fitting everywhere, so your stupid cat ass is gonna fit and it's gonna be a metaphor about how cats fit anywhere, even in your fucked up ass life. 'cause my metaphors or irony or whatever're better'n his, and you'll like 'em more, and stop thinking about stupid things like someone else making the cats happier'n you do.

[jadedlynx]

Max?

[ This time, the word comes out a bit better, if confused. He has no idea what's happening right now. He went from lost in whatever fog that was stinging everything to here in the moment but... completely unsure of what was happening in the moment. ]

So...what?

[ Ash is getting it under control, but some things do linger. ]

I fit in your lap, and I have to keep the cats?

[papalobo]

And if you try and fight me, I'll knock your ass out and tie you up and take a picture of you all bundled in my lap. Now fit.

[jadedlynx]

[ It's so ridiculous that it's impossible to remember the last two weeks. ]

Why would I help you...with your own bet?

[papalobo]

You're not helping willingly, I'm bullying you and threatening you and pickng on you when you're vulnerable.

[jadedlynx]

[ And again, his shoulders begin to shake. Maybe being bullied was too much. Only... the next sound that comes out of Ash's mouth, with his face still pressed against Max's chest, isn't one so tortured. It's laughter. The sound is lighter for how tortured he'd sounded just moments before. ]

You're... ridiculous.

[ And god, so much like Max. ]

[papalobo]

You're the one curling up in my lap at your age. I'm the ridiculous one?

[A hand smack's Ash on the thigh, once his legs are in place. Ash fits. Ha. Point made.]