Day 328, Friday, November 28th

[papalobo]

[It's weird, to end up at a home that's not home. He's spent more time there than anywhere else this year, but that says more about his transience than anything. If told five years ago he would live such a lifestyle, he'd have believed that, but not the part about most of those multiple places being not just six but seven, eight figure abodes.

And yet it's Jessica's home (still probably the nicest one he'd lived in as an adult, before Ash swept in) they're doing Thanksgiving in. Maybe it's a fear of being upstaged on her part if it's in such a house; such a naive thought is, while unvoiced, just more proof of Ash's suspicions, that Max's mind is on something, something Ash had likely been trying to put his mind on for months. Because with even half of his braincells to put to it, he'd suspect the worst sooner.

It's not until they're pulling up to the house and there are two other cars there that he remembers the hell of Thanksgiving is not only family, but family you don't normally have to see. And thanks to Michael, Jessica's family is still his family.


And their ride is a taxi. It's not like they can turn around. Though Michael coming out to greet them right away in a hurried excitement would've made it impossible in anything.]

...Maybe she decided to start investing in cars. But not especially good ones. To be more undercover. As a journalist.

Day 375, Friday, December 14th

Comments

[jadedlynx]

We've had our fights, but that wasn't one of them. You stopped me from doing something stupid.

[papalobo]

Meant the guy who wanted to buy you a drink.

[jadedlynx]

Foxx? That's one guy I should've let you punch.

[ Though the jealousy was fake at the time. ]

[papalobo]

Either way. I knew what I was getting into. I know what I've got myself in now. We can go around in circles a few more times, but it'll come out to: don't do anything inconvenient, but don't be so passive I feel bad about you changing either. Right?

[jadedlynx]

And if I say I just want the Max who was Max when we met, you won't buy that. The part that falls apart for me is why you think I started dating you if I didn't like that you.

[papalobo]

M'not him anymore.

[jadedlynx]

[ And that's a reality that Ash has considered but had yet to accept. What if it isn't Max changing himself but a real change in him? He's held out hope that he didn't kill him that day in the hotel room, but hope doesn't shape reality. ]

If you're not, you're not, but if you're making yourself be somebody else instead, how can I just sit back and watch?

[papalobo]

What do you think of me now? Don't like me like this anymore?

[jadedlynx]

I don't like that you're playing pretend. That's never what I wanted from a real relationship.

[papalobo]

And if this's just what I am now?

[jadedlynx]

[ Isn't that a hard question to answer, especially when one is playing drunk? Yet, it's very much a question that may become their reality.

An answer doesn't come immediately. Ash isn't avoiding the question but giving it the legivity it deserves.

What if this is what he is now? There's love for the Max who stands before him. Despite all of the lows their relationship has hit, Ash still loves him. In theory, he can fall out of love. His love for Eiji remains, shifting and changing as it may be. His love for a girl long dead hasn't left either though now, he loves nothing but a memory and has the occasional thought of what she might have become had she been allowed to live.

Yet, Max stands before him, Max, and yet, not. Many times over now, Ash has been allowed a liar. What good did those outbursts do? On the surface, nothing, but they began to add up. Before he screwed things up, there was a moment that felt like breaking through water that had been nothing but murky since he could remember. It was an embarrassingly silly thought, but it was also something new.

Voicing his feelings hasn't worked. It's been difficult to put into words what hurts deep inside, especially for someone like Ash, and yet, it's done nothing. What would? He's asked the question so many times that it feels even more hollow now.

When he feels something wet slide down his cheek, Ash looks both surprised and angry. There's no reason to cry over an argument. He's had much worse. And yet, Ash knows the reality: it isn't the reality that makes his heart clutch to the point of pain but the idea that Max Lobo, the man who went into this with enough stupidity and idealism to fuel them both, really might be gone. ]

Damn it, I'm drunker than I thought.

[ It's the first lie he's told tonight aside from his actual state of sobriety.

He forces his voice to be steady. He isn't going to cry here. He won't. ]

But I don't know.

[ A cheap answer. Probably, it'll be considered a lie as well, but it's truly the only reply that he can give. ]

[papalobo]

[It's rude to watch a man cry. Making a face and clenching a fist to keep from reaching out to wipe that tear, for neither should acknowledge it, he looks towards the sliding doors to the patio again. The clenched fist loosens to grab Ash by the arm and pull him along; back outside it is.]

You've been through too much. You need a break.

[jadedlynx]

[ What if Max thinks he's crying about of their argument? The idea makes his face burn. Ash doesn't cry easily but around Max, if other things are pressing down on him, the tears want to come more easily.

The stumble isn't fake. He's a little drunk and taken by surprise. ]

I thought you were...

[ Another angry swipe. ]

going to bed.

[papalobo]

Feel like sleepin' under the stars tonight.

[Ash is pulled along despite his stumble; if they don't acknowledge his tears it's better all around.]

[jadedlynx]

[ His lips part to argue, but Ash supposes it'll be hard to disprove Max's point if he argues even this. ]

It won't get you out of camping.

[ Despite something tight keeping the words from being as smooth as usual, there's enough tilt to the words to make the joke a little more obvious. ]

[papalobo]

Damn. You know how I hate camping.

[jadedlynx]

[ His initial plan was to keep drinking -- he never planned to get seriously drunk, but this house was one of the few safe enough to really allow his guard to drop a little. Now...

Well, does the plan have to change? ]

Are you really planning to sleep?

[papalobo]

I was planning to go fly a plane the first time, what do you think?

[jadedlynx]

[ If Max allows a release, Ash quickly returns to his chair. It's stupid to mourn a man directly in front of him. Yet, he does.

But he can't give up yet either.

Instead of answering, he settles back in with the bottle. ]

[papalobo]

[Max lets him go and settles into his own chair, with no signs of intending to drink any more.]

[jadedlynx]

Want a bottle?

[ Ash doesn't think Max finished his second? ]

[papalobo]

M'done for the night.

[jadedlynx]

[ That's fair. Ash can't argue that even if he wanted to. ]

Night, Max.

[papalobo]

[But Ash isn't done, is he? So it's not as if he can actually sleep, even if he wanted to. Something isn't settled. No, a lot of things aren't settled. But there aren't any words. They've said them all. There isn't any solution here any more than there is to the fact that people will keep being disgustingly horny, in general and towards Ash in particular.

He didn't have any answers for Griff, either. Ash likely has more horror stories about what happened in there: they'll get him mad, but just like when a friend died at war, it was usually impossible to actually do anything more than just pick up your gun and keep shooting, never really knowing who killed who where and when and how. There was no justice, order, righting, or meaning. Drink your beer, sleep until your shift's over, get up, do it again the next day. So there isn't much hope to offer Ash, besides that maybe sometimes food will be good; Ash doesn't like food. Sometimes sex might feel good; Ash had him fooled a time or two but probably he doesn't really like it, and if he does, he's got Blanca for that now. It's a matter of playing house until Ash is tired of that, too. And Eiji was always better suited to that game.]

[jadedlynx]

[ But he's silent as the night drags on. The bottle empties. It's well past midnight now. He's drunk enough that he no longer lingers on his failed plan.

The tears have stopped. Ash has never been allowed to linger on his more depressing emotions so the presence of tears was the more surprising thing.

Ash extinguishes the fire pit around two.

If Max is awake at four, he may hear Ash walking toward the house. ]