Day 263 - Wednesday, September 10th

[papalobo]

[By morning, Max's texts are mostly jibberish but the article he delivers to Peter at 3:30 AM is well polished, especially given in the e-mail and subject body the entire line was off by one or more--- 'yjr stiv;r er ys;lrff snnpiy' for 'The article we talked about' and the body was similarly incoherent.

Everything hurts. He knows Ash would tell him to take a damn sleeping pill already. He knows a lot of things. He knows Ash is tired of his pity party. He knows even if Ash were to tell him something comforting, he wouldn't believe it. But being in this brain-rotted state of sleepless delirium is actually further from consciousness. In sleep, he dreams, and there he is. Right now, there's a state as far from himself, as if his self has decayed, like inebriation, and that's nice enough he decides it calls for some actual inebriation. They've got hard liquor and his publication calls for some, so he's going to toast to himself at sunrise, and let the cats hear him tell them in loud, slurring detail about the time Eiji saved Ash in the sewers, that their Ash is all sewer stinky now again, and that Ash won't come home because he's fantasizing about better times with a better useless sidekick, and also he's probably blowing Blanca to get magical answers, or maybe just because he likes men who can react. At any rate, they should come outside with him he decides, and he will also pour alcohol into shot glasses that he'll set on the ground level for them.

By 8:00, he's Shawn's problem. His texting skills have deteriorated enough to switch to voice.

Shawn puts up with it for about fifteen minutes, but he's got things to do, like wait in the bar for Ash to wake up and see how things have been going.

He is then Jenkins's and Charlie's and even Kent's problem. All of them are surely grateful to Ash for having encouraged him to build and reach out to a friend group a little more.]

Comments

[jadedlynx]

You're not letting me bring you into the loop because YOU decided it doesn't matter! I made the choice of who I wanted help from, and you decided I didn't! You're handicapping yourself and then crying about the handicap!

[papalobo]

[He's mad enough to stand up, slamming his hands into the table, only to then realize the futility of it, or maybe the drugs have hit him enough to find that more emotion, more cognizance than he can maintain.

He sinks slowly back down.]

Yeah.

[Just agree and fake it, same as Ash faked it in bed for him. But they both know Ash never felt that way about him before he finally let himself fuck Blanca. This is just disappointment in Max not meeting his expectations, and blaming Max instead of his expectations, now skewered because he finally let himself have who Max knew damned well was always a threat in that realm. He was usually right about those things. Ash is the one who doesn't know his own feelings.

But that's fine. As long as Max fails with a pleasant, try hard demeanor, just like Eiji but not as good, Ash will settle for him. It's just a matter of waiting for when he fucks Eiji, too. He was right about Blanca, he's right about Eiji.

Now he gets to go to sleep and watch the movie of it all.]

You're right. That's what it is.

[jadedlynx]

[ He misses Max. It's a cruel feeling. Max is going through a lot, and Ash isn't helping him, so he does hate the part of him that can't just handle this until it's better. Between therapy and cheating, he's had to endure a lot. Because of Ash.

He won't read the biography. He doesn't need to. He never really need to. It was a momentary lapse in judgement. Even then, Ash knew he wasn't a good person, but he thought maybe... Maybe he wasn't entirely a monster. As Max sinks back down, he knows it was a stupidity.

Who blames their partner for suggesting after having a reason to suffer.

Max would do better without him. Suddenly, with a clarity that had been missing in the past even when it seemed just as obvious, Ash knows. He'll suffer in the beginning. Make dumb mistakes. Max likes dumb mistakes. But like he had with Jessica, he'd heal. He'd move on. It's not actually a new realization, but it's been a selfishness that held it back. Ash doesn't want what they had to be over, but how far is he going to drag Max with him?

After the therapy is over. When he knows Max can't permanently injure himself. ]

Head upstairs before you're too tired to make it.

[papalobo]

Help me.

[Max makes no motion to stand up at all.]

[jadedlynx]

[ It's a fair request considering his injuries so Ash moves to this side without complaint. ]

[papalobo]

[Instead of moving to get up or even pulling an arm around him as if to get leverage, he leans against him.

He'll miss Ash. When he sleeps, he knows he'll wake up wishing he hadn't. He knows in that sweet spot where he thinks it's possible again, where he decides anything's better than not being with Ash.

Eventually Ash will leave him again. Eventually, Max won't be pathetic enough to make him stick around out of pity, but he won't be enough to keep him, either.

He doesn't want this clarity. He's supposed to be even more disjointed than drunk. This is clarity enough for immediately coherent dreams.]

[jadedlynx]

[ It's frustrating. It's so frustrating that he wants to punch something, but there's nothing to punch. There's nothing to kill. Max is right here, and he's hurting, and Ash knows leaving won't heal anything. It'll stop future pain, but it won't fix this one. ]

Think a psych textbook will have a chapter on how to fix it after you cheating?

[ His voice is as tired as Max looks. He knows he's screwed up. ]

[papalobo]

S'not about that. I told you t'do it.

[jadedlynx]

It is, and we both know it. Now you're comparing yourself to a guy who spent his entire life training under special conditions and deciding because you can't match him, you're useless like I can even match him.

What's your answer when you ask yourself why I'm not sitting back and letting him handle it?

[papalobo]

'Cause you're a good kid.

[The question seems to confuse him even, enough to mumble unusually clearly, without a slur, dumbfounded that it isn't obvious. As if Ash were asking why an apple he let go of fell to the ground instead of levitating in the air where he let go of it.]

[jadedlynx]

Because he doesn't care.

[ Max knows it, he just underestimated how much it mattered. ]

He'd eventually turn me down. There's a reason he gets weekends while you get most of my life. I don't want to live the kind of that makes him happy, he doesn't want to live the kind that makes me happy.

[ With Max leaning against him, still hoping he won't remember a thing, Ash wraps his arms around him and keeps his voice soft. ]

But it's pretty shitty to say you should be okay with it because I'm not cheating every night. I thought being in a place to want this means I was in a place to have it, but I'm screwing it up pretty badly.

Just be pissed at me for it and lay off yourself already. I'm the one who's supposed to bully the old guys.

[papalobo]

[Leaning further into Ash's body, head turning to press into his stomach, Max snorts. This Ash is warm and nice. Already, he's imagining Eiji with him, bringing out this warmth. It's Eiji who can make Ash have this niceness, even to someone who's at fault, shooting himself in the foot in Ash's mind (even though the truth is Max is just incompetent, he knows).]

S'cause good kids don't use people. Be nicer if y'just loved him like a tool but you're not like that.

[jadedlynx]

I don't love him.

[ He and Blanca acknowledged that. ]

That's probably worse. That I'm doing this to you over somebody I don't love. It's nice with him the way it's nice to be on vacation. It's over the top and ridiculous, but it's not what I want forever. That's dumb shows and pancakes and Michael's baseball games.

[ But Ash's wants don't trump Max's needs. ]

See why you should be pissed at me yet?

[ His arms tightened. ]

I'm doing this to the guy I want to stay with for a guy I know couldn't be part of my everyday life. That's how selfish I am. I'd be pissed if you were doing it to me. I don't care if Blanca seduced you. I'd still be pissed.

[papalobo]

Mmnhg.

[It's a difficult conversation, and consciousness is slipping, but he doesn't want to go into sleep. Already, Blanca and Eiji are at the edges of his vision like so many other sleep deprived hallucinations, ready to take the pain in Ash's voice away.]

But I want it for you. The nice. The want you--the things you want that's not me. You're never really selfish. Y'just don't think you desert it. Verse. Diversify. Deserve it. Getting you to take it's one of the few good things you got out of me.

[jadedlynx]

You'll see it one day.

[ Finally, he pulls back and urges him up. ]

You'll hate me for it. That'll probably be the day you start to feel better. I'll take it.

[ Max needs to get into bed. ]

So when it starts, don't feel bad for it. It's what will actually make sense.

[papalobo]

[His arm pulls back, resisting. He can't physically cooperate and mentally resist.]

No. You were happy. Before me. I made it like this. I'll do it better so stop thinking you're bad. I wrote about why you're good.

[jadedlynx]

It's not about padding my ego.

[ Ash urges him up again. He isn't even arguing so much as confirming the sky is blue. ]

But you're wrong. I was satisfied at not being chased by Dino, but I wasn't happy. I didn't look forward to anything or plan anything. I didn't have anything to lose. I was waiting to die.

[ He didn't want to, but he assumed it would happen soon. ]

You have to get to a bed.

[papalobo]

[The most he'll do is look up, chin against Ash's torso, trying to see to his eyes.]

You looking forward to the next time you get with him?

[ His tone's hopeful, wanting a 'yes, wanting Ash to still have something to look forward to, no matter what the answer's going to do to him, no matter what kind of prelude to his dream it's going to be. Because that's better than the alternative, better than the present Ash is spelling out now, here, actually with Max.

Ash's phone beeps with a new message.]

[jadedlynx]

I haven't thought about the next time I'm going to be with him in a while.

[ And it's true. ]

Come on. I have to meet with Shawn soon.

[papalobo]

Not what I asked.

[But he rises up.]

[jadedlynx]

I'd have to think about it to look forward to it.

I know I'll enjoy it, if that's what you're asking. I don't think about him as often as you do.

[papalobo]

You should. It's better than bein' sad.

[jadedlynx]

I could think about him right now, and it won't override you. You can't offload me.

[papalobo]

Yeah, but I don't make you happy.

[It's not sulking; it's matter of fact, detached.]

[jadedlynx]

Staying with you knowing how much it's killing you is the most selfish thing I've ever done, and it's because I am happy when it's not like this. I hate this part.