Day 265 - Friday, September 12th

[papalobo]

[A Chinese man who is definitely a mature adult and not a teenager checks in to the Hyatt, one of their more exclusive rooms, along with his half-white half brother who is also certainly not a teenager and most definitely not the notorious gang leader wanted on suspicion of a September 11th New York City bombing in retaliation for an angry rogue sect of anti-American zealots.

The entire suite floor has been rented out, and it requires a special key card in the elevator and on the stairs to enter that floor. But they can rent one of the still very luxe rooms directly beneath.

A familiar white limo is in the car garage, though the opportunity to gawk or investigate is slim, between the security cameras and live guards.

There's still no contact from Max, but the Department of Homeland Security has become involved, and has begun to enter Ash's territory with intent to arrest any known figures within his gang to bring in for questioning.]

Day 284, Wednesday, Oct 1st

Comments

[jadedlynx]

Are you hoping I will so you can get out?

[ It's a genuine question. Blanca can provide the excitement, Eiji the emotion. Is that how Max sees the situation? ]

[papalobo]

I'm out whether I wanna be or not. What matters is you still get what you were looking for in it all. I'm not someone who can do it for you anymore. Shit, I probably never was.

[jadedlynx]

So it's a lot less pressure for you, not having to live up to them.

[ And happier days. Loyal partners who don't make him question himself. There's no accusation in Ash's voice. Max's misery is usually on full display. ]

[papalobo]

[But Max hears it as judgment. His fists curl, until his knuckles are white, his eyes on the computer screen, even while seeing past it.]

You think I wouldn't take the pressure for you if it mattered...?

[jadedlynx]

You think I'd want you to even if it does?

[ Ash didn't think he was worth the danger of dating before he somehow start attacking ego. ]

[papalobo]

No. But I'd do it anyway. I'd make you take it, if it was anything worth taking. I used to think it was.

[jadedlynx]

[ His hand has stopped moving the house. ]

I'm lying so that you'll stay because I'm willing to put up with you if it makes you happy even though it's pretty obvious I'm making you miserable? You're going to have to explain this to me.

[papalobo]

[His injured left hand finally goes slack, as if it were a body giving up the ghost.]

You're the same as me. I'm not making you happy. But we sometimes think if we try harder, do more, it'll happen, I'll be able to make you happy... But, I'm not. I can't give you a normal life. I can't take none of this away. I can't make it okay.

I can't make it so you don't need him. Of course you're gonna run off with other people. You got needs. Needs not getting filled here by me. Your life and world ain't things I can make better like I thought.

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash thought that might be the case. ]

So you've given up on it, huh? The normal life.

[ Then what was that talk about school and cats not 10 minutes ago? ]

[papalobo]

Not all of it. You can still do school. You can still have Eiji.

But you won't ever not need him.

[jadedlynx]

[ Those two worlds can't exist together. But telling Max that much is the same as saying he'll go back to ground zero when Max leaves. It's guilt. That's never a reason anybody can stay. ]

I need him, huh?

[papalobo]

You wouldn't be with him if you didn't still need him.

[jadedlynx]

What do I need him for?

[papalobo]

You tell me. Where's he following up on you or doing jack for you when all this's happening, huh?

[jadedlynx]

You think he's watching me and waiting to swoop in to save me?

[papalobo]

I would be. Eiji would be.

[jadedlynx]

He doesn't love me.

[ Blanca cares for him. He did come to New York. But it's not love. ]

[papalobo]

If I did, it'd be enough that you need him. That'd be the end of it.

[jadedlynx]

[ If he did? Love him? Was that Max's confession? It felt like it with the flow, but Ash isn't sure it would be that casual yet. ]

I don't need him. You asked me that night if I needed him. If I loved him. I told you no.

[papalobo]

I just became that selfish. Jessica was probably right...

[Ash is too close now. But there's nowhere to run.

Ash doesn't love him. But he does need him, no matter what he says. Because he's not leaving him. If Max says it's okay, he wants it. How often does Ash let himself do something for himself? Only when he needs it. Max didn't think he needed Blanca back then, after that torturous Spring, when Max himself had needed Blanca, in order to save him. But Ash knows what Ash needs, even if he can't say it.

Max can't make Ash not need him. The most he can do is not make him feel guilty for getting what he needs.

He can't stop being bitter he's not what he needs. Ash says he is, but he's not. He's not someone who can believe in a normal life where Blanca and his skill level isn't needed for Ash, not any more than Ash is.

He still believes he can have Eiji. He still believes Blanca will leave Ash still in need of something the bastard never provided. But Max isn't 'it'.]

[jadedlynx]

Like I said.

[ Ash closes out of the shopping tab. ]

We were both stupid to pretend back then. I'd have said no if you asked me to date somebody else, too.

[papalobo]

There's really no saving it this time, huh?

[jadedlynx]

Don't leave.

[ The two words sound like they were laced with barb for how painful and choked his voice becomes. ]

You don't have to date me, but don't leave. You can talk about all these people I need, but even if I've made mistakes about it, I need you.

[ Don't beg, he'd promised himself, only to beg in the most pathetic way he could. The problem was that the moment Ash says 'yes', there was no going back. It really, really is the last ditch effort. ]

[papalobo]

Then, you stay too!

[Turning, pulling Ash from the arm of the chair, he wraps both arms around him.]

We were alright in the car! Even if I don't got a plan! Even if I'm just me! Even if I don't believe in it, and I'm a selfish son of a bitch and everything that bitch said's right... It's fine if you leave me, but don't give up on whatever the hell you wanna go to school for, and on having pets and....

[jadedlynx]

[ For a brief moment, there's nothing. Ash tries to collect himself, but everything bursts out. It starts out with a singular sob until he's burying his head against Max's chest and gripping at whatever he can reach.

Ash should say something here. He should speak, but the sobs leave no room for speech. All he can do is cry in a way that's raw and loud and unfiltered.

His world got so screwed up, and all he wanted was Max, but he'd broken him down so much that he hates himself too much to be there. ]