Day 328, Friday, November 28th

[papalobo]

[It's weird, to end up at a home that's not home. He's spent more time there than anywhere else this year, but that says more about his transience than anything. If told five years ago he would live such a lifestyle, he'd have believed that, but not the part about most of those multiple places being not just six but seven, eight figure abodes.

And yet it's Jessica's home (still probably the nicest one he'd lived in as an adult, before Ash swept in) they're doing Thanksgiving in. Maybe it's a fear of being upstaged on her part if it's in such a house; such a naive thought is, while unvoiced, just more proof of Ash's suspicions, that Max's mind is on something, something Ash had likely been trying to put his mind on for months. Because with even half of his braincells to put to it, he'd suspect the worst sooner.

It's not until they're pulling up to the house and there are two other cars there that he remembers the hell of Thanksgiving is not only family, but family you don't normally have to see. And thanks to Michael, Jessica's family is still his family.


And their ride is a taxi. It's not like they can turn around. Though Michael coming out to greet them right away in a hurried excitement would've made it impossible in anything.]

...Maybe she decided to start investing in cars. But not especially good ones. To be more undercover. As a journalist.

Day 375, Friday, December 14th

Comments

[papalobo]

You got an unusually full belly. You don't usually eat that many calories in a month.

[This time, when drunk, he could pass for serious more easily, as if rather than losing enunciation, it's lost intonation, become flatter, yet not dry or cynical.]

[jadedlynx]

Good job learning hyperbole.

[ He twists the top. ]

Think you can think straight enough to think of a toast?

[papalobo]

To getting felt up less in LA.

[They weren't doing glasses to begin with so instead of raising that, he raises a fist, then lets it drop, holding out, waiting to get the bottle back.]

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash planned to keep that bottle for himself, but if a drunken Max is his goal, he has to pass it over.

He'll take the second bottle, then. ]

You get felt up in L.A. that often, huh?

[papalobo]

Used to know the number 'n could give you an answer to that.

[Another drink!]

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash blinks. ]

You really do? Then why did you act like you were just gang raped when a guy touched your butt in the bar?

[papalobo]

Huh? ---No, not... I'm not drunk enough if I still remember that. Even with you 'mindin' me...

[jadedlynx]

[ A slur. ]

Don't give me some bullshit answer. Tell me the first thing that comes to mind: would you really want me to tell you every time it happens?

[papalobo]

Of---... [An exhale around the rim of the bottle.]

Whatever you want, it's your tr.. pro..a...thing.

[jadedlynx]

What happened to the guy who pretended like he wanted to know?

[papalobo]

"Pretended."

[jadedlynx]

[ He was poking a bear. Ash knew that. But, kindness wasn't working. ]

It wasn't pretend? So you only wanted to know when you thought the number would be low?

[papalobo]

[The anger at the accusation fizzles out almost immediately, the answer well mentally rehearsed.]

I didn't handle what happened to you right last time 'n look what happened. No wonder you don't wanna tell me.

[jadedlynx]

[ Damn it. ]

What happened last time?

[papalobo]

You're not so drunk you forgot.

[jadedlynx]

I'm pretty dunk, but I hide it well so humor me.

[papalobo]

There was nothin' funny about it, so I don't got any humor for you.

[jadedlynx]

Then tell me.

[ Ash has to keep his cool now. An actual fight isn't the goal. ]

[papalobo]

What, you want a struggle session out of me now?

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash sighs. ]

No. I'm sincerely asking.

[papalobo]

I didn't react right and it wasn't what you wanted, so you ended it. I get it. I was the bad one, I was wrong. Won't do it again. Won't expect you to gimmie the chance to do it wrong again. I earned it. All that.

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash wishes he could say 'don't expect me to get raped so you can do it again' but... he's sure someone else will try. ]

We've ended it more than once. Why are you more hung up on that than the time I took a plane to drag your ass back? If anybody should be questioning stuff, it's me. I've always come back on my own. Even that night, it lasted less than 12 hours.

[ The next drink is a longer one. ]

When I lost Griff, it felt like something small really did break. Like he was the part of me that hoped for anything. Part of me wanted to die with Shorter. I'd have traded places with Eiji without missing a beat.

I couldn't confront any of that when I thought you were dead. I wasn't numb. I wanted to be numb. I thought I hated that feeling, but I wanted it for just an hour that night. I cried. I was pissed. You knew I'd have let them use me without a break if it meant not having to see your dead body so I was really, really pissed that you left me alone to handle that.

But it's more selfish than that. I don't just want you alive. I told myself that it was okay because you'd be living a safer life out there, but it was bullshit. I didn't want you alive, I wanted you here, too. You made me feel like I could be selfish and then changed everything. You can be pissed and yell at me all you want for the Blanca stuff, but I have the right to be pissed, too.

[papalobo]

[Because you value them and just about any other person's life more than your own. But arguing that doesn't get anywhere. Nor does the spark of a passing thought that while pissed off at him, he found time to finally cross that Rubicon with Blanca; it'll just devolve into another insistence that it really wasn't like that before, and Max won't believe him, and Ash will just have to be right in the end and get his way. So may as well just go with it as if he's already lost that.

He sets the bottle down.]

You should stop blaming yourself for wanting stuff. Him, anything, anyone. M'not mad anymore. I told you to do it. If you manage to want anyone else any which way, you should go for it. I said I'd go get a side piece or whatever, I got your permission, we're "even" now or whatever.

[He stands up again.]

'course you can be pissed. I pissed you off last time, so why the hell would you tell me when it happens again if I'm just gonna make it worse? You said it back then. Y'want me to just be there and have normal meals and whatever. Like nothin' happened. So the smart thing's not to tell me shit happens. Sayin' I wanna know so I can fuck up again, why don't I just ask you to punch yourself in the face?

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash reaches for Max. The first attempt barely misses, but he's able to course correct it quickly. The grip tries to urge him back down. ]

Since you know me better than I know me, then tell me why I miss it?

[ His green eyes stay on Max. ]

Why I miss seeing your eyes light up when you realized something happened. It was like you wanted to kill the world.

[ His smile is slightly more lazy than usual. ]

Even Shorter originally understand that sometimes, it was just part of being me. Maybe it was stupid, but it was pretty nice having somebody care like that. I knew it couldn't last forever. Maybe that's why it hurt when it finally ended. Even the person you believed in a normal life the most got worn down.

[papalobo]

[Watching Ash miss when he isn't even dodging is an interesting experience; how drunk is he? This all started when Ash was drunk. Rip roaring drunk. And as great as that's been for Max, maybe it was all a mistake. Though he's also drunk himself, enough to think, at a time like this, how attractive that lazy smile is, even when it pisses him off somehow; he drowns that down and wills it to numb, insists he's given enough alcohol to the system to drown down most things.]

I'll end up mad if I know. Y'can say you miss me gettin' mad, but you were givin' a goodbye speech to the cats 'n givin' up even humoring just going through the motions. So if you're just not tellin' me, it makes sense.

I'll try 'n get mad in a more convenient way, just light up but not actually do nothin'. But I can't make you tell me or make you believe that enough to think it's worth tellin' me. I fucked up. Once bitten twice shy or somethin' on your part, tryin' to keep me from fuckin' up again.