Day 328, Friday, November 28th

[papalobo]

[It's weird, to end up at a home that's not home. He's spent more time there than anywhere else this year, but that says more about his transience than anything. If told five years ago he would live such a lifestyle, he'd have believed that, but not the part about most of those multiple places being not just six but seven, eight figure abodes.

And yet it's Jessica's home (still probably the nicest one he'd lived in as an adult, before Ash swept in) they're doing Thanksgiving in. Maybe it's a fear of being upstaged on her part if it's in such a house; such a naive thought is, while unvoiced, just more proof of Ash's suspicions, that Max's mind is on something, something Ash had likely been trying to put his mind on for months. Because with even half of his braincells to put to it, he'd suspect the worst sooner.

It's not until they're pulling up to the house and there are two other cars there that he remembers the hell of Thanksgiving is not only family, but family you don't normally have to see. And thanks to Michael, Jessica's family is still his family.


And their ride is a taxi. It's not like they can turn around. Though Michael coming out to greet them right away in a hurried excitement would've made it impossible in anything.]

...Maybe she decided to start investing in cars. But not especially good ones. To be more undercover. As a journalist.

Day 375, Friday, December 14th

Comments

[papalobo]

You're not so drunk you forgot.

[jadedlynx]

I'm pretty dunk, but I hide it well so humor me.

[papalobo]

There was nothin' funny about it, so I don't got any humor for you.

[jadedlynx]

Then tell me.

[ Ash has to keep his cool now. An actual fight isn't the goal. ]

[papalobo]

What, you want a struggle session out of me now?

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash sighs. ]

No. I'm sincerely asking.

[papalobo]

I didn't react right and it wasn't what you wanted, so you ended it. I get it. I was the bad one, I was wrong. Won't do it again. Won't expect you to gimmie the chance to do it wrong again. I earned it. All that.

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash wishes he could say 'don't expect me to get raped so you can do it again' but... he's sure someone else will try. ]

We've ended it more than once. Why are you more hung up on that than the time I took a plane to drag your ass back? If anybody should be questioning stuff, it's me. I've always come back on my own. Even that night, it lasted less than 12 hours.

[ The next drink is a longer one. ]

When I lost Griff, it felt like something small really did break. Like he was the part of me that hoped for anything. Part of me wanted to die with Shorter. I'd have traded places with Eiji without missing a beat.

I couldn't confront any of that when I thought you were dead. I wasn't numb. I wanted to be numb. I thought I hated that feeling, but I wanted it for just an hour that night. I cried. I was pissed. You knew I'd have let them use me without a break if it meant not having to see your dead body so I was really, really pissed that you left me alone to handle that.

But it's more selfish than that. I don't just want you alive. I told myself that it was okay because you'd be living a safer life out there, but it was bullshit. I didn't want you alive, I wanted you here, too. You made me feel like I could be selfish and then changed everything. You can be pissed and yell at me all you want for the Blanca stuff, but I have the right to be pissed, too.

[papalobo]

[Because you value them and just about any other person's life more than your own. But arguing that doesn't get anywhere. Nor does the spark of a passing thought that while pissed off at him, he found time to finally cross that Rubicon with Blanca; it'll just devolve into another insistence that it really wasn't like that before, and Max won't believe him, and Ash will just have to be right in the end and get his way. So may as well just go with it as if he's already lost that.

He sets the bottle down.]

You should stop blaming yourself for wanting stuff. Him, anything, anyone. M'not mad anymore. I told you to do it. If you manage to want anyone else any which way, you should go for it. I said I'd go get a side piece or whatever, I got your permission, we're "even" now or whatever.

[He stands up again.]

'course you can be pissed. I pissed you off last time, so why the hell would you tell me when it happens again if I'm just gonna make it worse? You said it back then. Y'want me to just be there and have normal meals and whatever. Like nothin' happened. So the smart thing's not to tell me shit happens. Sayin' I wanna know so I can fuck up again, why don't I just ask you to punch yourself in the face?

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash reaches for Max. The first attempt barely misses, but he's able to course correct it quickly. The grip tries to urge him back down. ]

Since you know me better than I know me, then tell me why I miss it?

[ His green eyes stay on Max. ]

Why I miss seeing your eyes light up when you realized something happened. It was like you wanted to kill the world.

[ His smile is slightly more lazy than usual. ]

Even Shorter originally understand that sometimes, it was just part of being me. Maybe it was stupid, but it was pretty nice having somebody care like that. I knew it couldn't last forever. Maybe that's why it hurt when it finally ended. Even the person you believed in a normal life the most got worn down.

[papalobo]

[Watching Ash miss when he isn't even dodging is an interesting experience; how drunk is he? This all started when Ash was drunk. Rip roaring drunk. And as great as that's been for Max, maybe it was all a mistake. Though he's also drunk himself, enough to think, at a time like this, how attractive that lazy smile is, even when it pisses him off somehow; he drowns that down and wills it to numb, insists he's given enough alcohol to the system to drown down most things.]

I'll end up mad if I know. Y'can say you miss me gettin' mad, but you were givin' a goodbye speech to the cats 'n givin' up even humoring just going through the motions. So if you're just not tellin' me, it makes sense.

I'll try 'n get mad in a more convenient way, just light up but not actually do nothin'. But I can't make you tell me or make you believe that enough to think it's worth tellin' me. I fucked up. Once bitten twice shy or somethin' on your part, tryin' to keep me from fuckin' up again.

[jadedlynx]

[ The hand urges Max to move closer; they're large chairs. ]

Do you know that for a few nights, they played a game?

[ There was no reason to tell every detail on the stand. ]

They'd see how far they could get before I woke up. I'm a light sleeper so I only knew about it because they told me, but after the third night, I started to hear the door opening even when it didn't. I didn't sleep again until the fever hit. That time, I woke up with my pants already down.

[papalobo]

[And then his arm jerks to pull away; he's not coming into the large chair, he's not even staying outside as prompted. There's no hint of that injured or drunken stagger at least when going inside.]

[jadedlynx]

Wait!

[ It takes him a second, but Ash follows. ]

I'm not just telling you stories. Don't...

[ He's slower than usual and having a difficult time talking and keeping up. ]

Slow down.

[papalobo]

Bathroom.

[It's an easy lie as he continues inside, with a renewed 'sobriety'; Ash can see him pulling out that phone he refused to turn over before.]

[jadedlynx]

I'm asking if you ever think there might be other reasons behind the choices I made that night. I might not get the time to stop and lick my wounds, but that doesn't mean they're not there.

[papalobo]

[If he goes towards an actual bathroom, can he get away? Fucking stalker who lives in his own house with him.]

You don't need any reason at all for nothin'. I'm the guy who'd figure there's a reason if you shot the pope.

[jadedlynx]

I'm telling you there was a reason.

[ At this point, Ash might just offer to hold it and aim for him. ]

It's why I took it back before the sun was up. We've had a lot of fights that didn't end in a break up.

[papalobo]

You took it back 'cause I got I was wrong 'n finally did it your way. That's the way it works.

[Bathroom door closed.]

[jadedlynx]

[ He'll have to slam the door on Ash's hand for privacy. ]

Why's it so hard to get that my head was in a bad place after a week of being passed around?

[papalobo]

[Which he's not willing to do.

Because it's what works, despite a visible prickle that runs through his body like a cartoon shiver, further defeated, he holds out his phone in offering. Ash wins. Naturally.]

You didn't do anything wrong. Even if you'd've had a reason to.

[jadedlynx]

How am I supposed to make up for it if you don't let me take responsibility?

[ Instead of taking the phone, he pushes Max against the wall. Or tries. His coordination isn't at his usual level. ]

I'm pissed you ran! Even if you'll understand that my head was in a bad place, get that that won't always apply!

[papalobo]

[He's willing enough to go with it, a hand idly going to Ash's shoulder to keep him stable.]

Nothing to make up for. I'm the guy who ran. You were pissed then, you're pissed now, 'n you got a right to be. If I go now it'll be wrong 'n piss you off. But you miss me being mad so I just gotta "die mad" or whatever the kids say now. I get it.

[jadedlynx]

[ Max drank a lot. The story must've sobered him up. ]

Where would you go if you could?

[papalobo]

Nowhere. You win! You're right!