papalobo | Day 265 - Friday, September 12th

Shhh....shhhh...

[ The noises are nasally, but Ash instantly tries to dry it up as both hands go out to reach and pet them. They're sounds that Max could hear. This is meant to be a private display, not something else to make Max feel like he's failing. ]

You're okay. Sorry for leaving you alone.

[Kuroneko tries to pad his paws at Ash's hand, with no claws, wanting to grab onto him and hold, as if a kitten could give a hug. He continues to meow.

Asher is going to go look for Blanca, he can come fix Ash.]

[ Even as he lifts Kuro to give his own hug, he can't help but laugh at Asher. ]

I don't blame you.

[ He has better things to do than stick around for this, huh? ]

[Much as he doesn't want to leave Kuroneko alone, Ash needs fixing. Asher will find a----Max is back, he has become distracted, deciding he is the reason Ash is broken. He will take care of the problem. Mostly by making noise in the kitchen so that Max knows he is allowed to feed him if he wants. He has not eaten since Max had last seen him, in fact. It is a wonder he is not dead.]

[ Instead, Ash assumes he's being called to do the feeding. Keeping Kuro tucked against his neck, he comes in to feed him. ]

Coming, coming.

[ It's better that Max not come. Red eyes don't dry instantly. ]

[But Max is already there, granted Ash could easily miss him if his senses aren't heightened. After all, he is crouching down, and so invisible behind the island, poking at the demanding cat, so shamelessly not feeding him.]

[ He's in a locked home with a security system active, and his mind is busy with so many other things. His senses aren't very heightened at the moment.

So, Max might recognize the nasally, slightly hoarse voice of someone who just finished crying. ]

Feel better?

[ His question is to Kuro. ]

I know I've given you guys a pretty hard life, but it really was just a few hours today.

[Hearing that type of voice, that kind of pained filter, over Ash's voice, stuns him; it isn't that he intends to lurk or eavesdrop. He's in the same kitchen. As soon as Ash comes around the bend, he'd be seen. He isn't that stupid. But he finds himself motionless.

Even though Max is here, Ash had gone off to cry alone.

It'd have been better not to come home. It'd be better to still be in jail.

Kuroneko tries to rub against his face, mewling again. It's not better. Ash is sad.]

Sorry.

[ His voice is choked again. He's moving to actually grab the food before going to the bowel. ]

You had it pretty good at the cafe, huh? Somebody always around, nobody trying to kill you.

[ There's a small scoop in the bag, one that might be gone if Max plans to feed him, one that isn't if he's bullying him instead. ]

I didn't plan to bring you into this. I'll make sure you'll get a good home. Better than this one.

[No. As if he could understand, Kuroneko mewls again. Because Max has absolutely no intent to feed him at all and has not even considered the scoop, Asher bites Max, begins to scratch on his hand, but by now, Max actively does find himself trying to stifle it to hide just a little longer.]

[ All the more reason to assume he's alone. At least Asher seems to have decided to wait. ]

I'll make sure it's somebody safe.

[ Bending down, Ash grabs the scoop to fill it for a feeding. ]

And somebody who loves cats. You'll be spoiled and forget about me in a month.

[Max's teeth grit as Asher's back feet come up, hanging off of his injured hand and deciding to kangaroo dig into his forearm. Fortunately, Asher's attack doesn't seem to come with any growling or hissing. But Kuroneko pushes into Ash's neck, not caring about the scoop or food.]

[ Ugh, this is hard. He doesn't want to do this. Why is he even saying it? Kuro is a cat. But if it didn't matter, the cat's reaction wouldn't hurt so bad. Ash's voice is still tight. ]

Don't worry, it's not going to be right away. We still have a few more weeks.

[ He drops the scoop to use the other hand to pet the saddened cat. ]

[Just as strong as the drive to get in the truck and try to drive it through the precinct and DHS was, now he has the urge to grab this idiot and shake him, scream at him, return that punch to the face. But it's actually useful information.

We still have a few more weeks. Those are concrete plans. Ash has a plan.

Plans in the suicidal are the most dangerous factor. A plan is a reality.

And Ash is unfortunately painfully good at plans, while Max can't even convince him to go hang out with either of two men he loves, he's so bad at arguing and counteracting.

Now he's definitely snooping. He needs to know everything he can about this plan.

Ah, but if he can't get away without Ash knowing he heard it, all this will be for nothing. He glances around, wondering what kind of escape he might be able to hope for. But he's not Ash. He doesn't have plans.]

[ If he bothers to risk a glance around the island, Ash's back is to him. He's on his hunches in front of the food, the scoop sitting atop. One arm is holding Kuro, the other stroking him. ]

Sorry. I don't want to.

[ Does Kuro know that? Can he understand it? ]

I didn't plan to during the adoption. You haven't been bad. You're a great kitten. I'll miss you, but it's going to feel really good knowing you're in a good place.

[Without thumbs, Kuroneko's paws try to capture Ash's stroking hand.]

[ He allows it with a laugh that sounds almost like a sob. ]

You're cheating at this.

[Kuroneko tries making eye contact, since meowing doesn't seem to work. Hold. Look. Will that work?

You haven't been bad. You're a great kid. I'll miss you. But it's going to feel really good knowing you're with people who make you feel good.]

[ He won't be. He'll be right back in the life that he knew would kill him young. But it's a choice he's making, and Kuro can't read his mind. It's probably ridiculous to even accept this so much.

Leaning out, he kisses the center of that little head. ]

It's harder on you because you get it, huh? It's not about being with the person who's strongest, it's about wanting to be with the person who makes you happiest. I've been trying to get Max to get that so let's keep this between us, huh? He'll call me a hypocrite. Nhn. No, he'll call me a liar.

[ A hypocrite would require he believe he's the one who makes Ash the happiest. ]

I think your brother ran off on me.

[ He reaches for the scoop. ]

I'll make sure you two stay together.

[There. See, Asher? He'll keep you together. So stop asking me to fix it.

But he does have to fix it. He stares at his now bleeding forearm, watching the cat be much less loving with him then Ash's is.

Over and over again, he's resigned himself to faking it and making it work. But it always comes back here. He can't stay in character, it seems. So resolving to act better, to act as if he really believes he makes him happy, isn't a solution. If even hearing it here in secret doesn't do it, if he still decides he's become a symbol, that Ash needs it to be Max because otherwise he feels like a bad person for upgrading, for outgrowing him, for using him as a salve for Eiji who, also, was a symbol. Hell, Blanca might be too. Maybe the kid's not capable of love. Max is pretty sure he himself isn't. If he were, he wouldn't be telling himself every time this happened to play the part of it.]

[ Ash knows Max doesn't love him anymore. It isn't in the way he's thought it when angry or hurt. Those were emotional 'realizations'. This? It's a calm if very painful realization. Unlike Max, Ash thinks he did once. No, he knows it. Max has scars on his body to prove it. He's the one who lost it.

But that doesn't matter to Kuro. Confronting Max about it will do nothing. It was a slow death, but their relationship, the romantic side of it, died on the porch.

It'd be buried with a stone over the opening if he knew Max was wondering if he could love at all. He does, against his better judgment, love Max. Still. It'll fade. The desire to save them has been put to rest. Now, Ash knows it's a one-sided love, and those don't last forever. It means he can stay and help Max recover. There doesn't have to be hatred between them. He'll get stronger and more capable and realize that there's no reason to compare himself to Blanca for a guy he isn't actually in love with. His confidence will return. His writing is helping a lot of people, and he has the kind of recognition that will allow him to tackle important stories. Maybe if they're in a better place now, he can convince Max to move into the L.A. place and be closer to Michael.

It's not like Ash will be in a worse place than he was when this started. He got a taste. That was more than he thought he'd have. He's been to class now. He's tried a hobby that was meant to help him inside instead of becoming a useful skill. He's celebrated holidays, kind of, and birthdays, kind of. He'd met his grandparents. Maybe it was for a couple of days, but he'd had a glimpse of what it felt like to be accepted by people who cared about the side of you that you showed. And really, didn't most people show off their best side?

This was for the best. It really is. The next time he loses to a pervert, nobody has to know. Ash accepted the life as a gang leader and one in which he'd die young. The thought hurts now, but that'll fade, too. He actually even has time to deal with this one. ]

I know how it feels now, but I promise, I'll make you all happy.

[ With one final kiss, Ash grabs the scoop and heads for Asher's bowl. ]

Edited 2023-05-06 16:56 (UTC)

[And there crouches Max, staring blankly at him, seeing those reddened eyes he knew he'd see when he heard that sob-trained voice.

Asher is still clawing at the bad man who is making it all bad by being bad. Eventually, he'll make that hand fall off.]

[ Ash freezes, eyes widen, cheeks instantly burning more than his eyes. It's Ash so neither the cup nor the cat fall, but he's frozen. Shocked by the shame that Max overhead everything.

he was supposed to hear nothing. ]

[A ight flick of his wrist is all it takes to suddenly have Asher off of his bleeding arm, and while the cat doesn't land on his feet, while he sputters and hisses when he rolls off of his back, he's not such a delicate animal as to be hurt by a two foot drop.

Standing, he moves towards the sink to wash his hand off, starting to move as if to pat Ash's head in passing before deciding to use the right hand instead.]

[ Max is going to leave without making Ash say anything. He'll take it. Selfishly, shamefully, he appreciates it. ]

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