papalobo | Day 265 - Friday, September 12th

Then, c'mon.

I'm right behind you.

[Once inside, Ash is going to end up suddenly hugged again, not as hard, not as unsteady, but insistent.

This is all he can do.

It's not enough. It's seen as pity. It's not what Ash wants.

He's not enough.]

[ After a moment, he hugs back. No matter the realization outside, his affection for Max is real. ]

You're wrong about why I had Blanca train me, at least in the way you see it. After what happened there and seeing pictures of you, Jessica, and Michael, it wasn't that you weren't enough. It was that I wasn't. I was pissed I wasn't strong enough to hold them back and scared I wouldn't be next time. Before you say it would have been different if I'd trusted you, Blanca wasn't enough then. I turned down his offer. I thought it was the only way I could still be around them without hating myself for putting them in danger.

[ He should have just handled the guilt or left.

Left, he knows now. ]

You don't have to say anything. It's an explanation, not an argument.

Who the hell do you think you're talking to?

[He's tired. It's audible. But he is still Max; so of course he'll argue. Everything's an argument. He'll do what he's told, but if it's words, it's the one area he can go indefnitely.]

Only reason I managed to cockblock Eiji's 'cause you figured I was a little less dead weight. Once you figured it was all impossible after all, screw the one thing I had up on him, actually trying to do more'n talk about a normal life for you. You wrote it off as an act you'd go ahead and suffer more to keep up, but it wasn't a real possibility for you no more. You had to go train under him more, get even stronger, fight even more 'n you did against Golzine.

But then somehow, he convinced you the level you were gonna try to be at was too much. The guy works better with you than me. That's all.

M'just lucky to still be in the picture. Same way even after I tried to put my foot down one time, m'supposed to just come home 'cause you bothered to bend your pride enough to come ask me to. And you're right.

[ Eiji'd do it for you without arguing, without having to 'get it'. Until you're willing to admit you want him too, I'll have to play his part. ]

[ Ash wants to argue that it's passive aggressive. 'Yeah, I'm at fault. You were wrong then and I had every right to be angry and leave you, but I came home so I'm to blame here'. He wants to keep arguing, and most times, he would. With the mounting fatigue and acceptance that means the loss of something he'd desperately tried to cling to, his tongue stays still until his mind reminds him of that acceptance.

The actions of the traumatized have the same consequences. ]

I never thought of Eiji as deadweight.

[ Their arguments shouldn't insult Eiji. ]

I thought I had to be strong enough to protect the stuff I wanted to keep. He made me realize that meant giving up everything I wanted to keep so I stopped.

[ His arms tighten, just a little. ]

I held onto the idea a lot longer than you think.

[ Even in the truck, when not able to admit why he wanted to stay in college, it was because it was something normal he wanted for himself. He'd made too many mistakes. Too many enemies. It's too dangerous. And even more dangerous, he's too messed up to be what anybody needed. Before he slept with Blanca, he wouldn't have even guessed Max could be reduced to this level of self-doubt. Then, he'd been arrogant to think he could fix it. Months later, there's no movement. He hurt him more than Jessica ever did. ]

Past tense now, huh?

You assumed it was past tense for a while now.

[ It's only been past tense for roughly 5 minutes. ]

Go call him up, later. When you've given up on letting me try. M'sure he'll convince you.

It's not like nobody tried before you.

[ Eiji had failed. As much as Ash loved him, Eiji failed to make him believe it. ]

It's not like I won't have a life if it's not a normal one.

Blanca talked you down last time too, since all I could do was deck you in the stomach.

[ Ash moves to step out of the hug. Max says he's trying, but he's not that stupid. He knows there's more to comfort than having arms around you. ]

I'm going to check on the cats.

[Dejected, his arms go limp and slide off of him.

He's made this about himself. When Ash is a national news story. When his identity is going to become a crisis under legal scrutiny. When he's been abused by the system, after doing everything to keep safe from his more natural enemies.

Max has stopped believing in a normal life for the kid. It's not his fault; Ash doesn't deserve it. But the only one who could stop it is Blanca, and Blanca's presence by default disqualifies any life as natural.

There's no place for either Ash or Max here, and neither can make it. Max has managed to somehow make police interrogative rape worse.

Might be one of the more impressive things he's done.]

[ He wanted it to be true. Probably, that's cruel enough that if Ash wasn't so tired, he'd be willing to fight about it. He hadn't cared before. He'd accepted his place in life after Dino died. Max came in and made him believe it enough to want it. Had him so close that he was willing to actually listen to an argument about it. Now, Ash has to want it while knowing it's impossible.

Too much of it was dependent on Max. Maybe that was proof he didn't believe it enough. With Max taken from him, the rest didn't seem likely either.

Max needed to heal. Ash can figure out the 'after' once that's accomplished. For now, he'll look for the two cats he can't keep in the end. He'll check their food, water, litter, and toys. He accepted the role of boss and did it well. For now, he'll make sure Max is healthy and go through the other motions, too.

If his shoulders shake when he's alone doing those things, it can't be counted as 'suckering' if nobody sees it. ]

[Kuroneko can see those shoulders shake. It's not something Kuroneko likes to see; it's enough for him to start mewling, yowling in misery, which means Asher will sit next to him and also yowl, as if making those synchronizing, harmonizing, protesting sounds will somehow make Ash stop doing whatever feels so wrong. When that fails, Kuroneko will try rolling onto his back and offering his stomach up like a puppy.]

Shhh....shhhh...

[ The noises are nasally, but Ash instantly tries to dry it up as both hands go out to reach and pet them. They're sounds that Max could hear. This is meant to be a private display, not something else to make Max feel like he's failing. ]

You're okay. Sorry for leaving you alone.

[Kuroneko tries to pad his paws at Ash's hand, with no claws, wanting to grab onto him and hold, as if a kitten could give a hug. He continues to meow.

Asher is going to go look for Blanca, he can come fix Ash.]

[ Even as he lifts Kuro to give his own hug, he can't help but laugh at Asher. ]

I don't blame you.

[ He has better things to do than stick around for this, huh? ]

[Much as he doesn't want to leave Kuroneko alone, Ash needs fixing. Asher will find a----Max is back, he has become distracted, deciding he is the reason Ash is broken. He will take care of the problem. Mostly by making noise in the kitchen so that Max knows he is allowed to feed him if he wants. He has not eaten since Max had last seen him, in fact. It is a wonder he is not dead.]

[ Instead, Ash assumes he's being called to do the feeding. Keeping Kuro tucked against his neck, he comes in to feed him. ]

Coming, coming.

[ It's better that Max not come. Red eyes don't dry instantly. ]

[But Max is already there, granted Ash could easily miss him if his senses aren't heightened. After all, he is crouching down, and so invisible behind the island, poking at the demanding cat, so shamelessly not feeding him.]

[ He's in a locked home with a security system active, and his mind is busy with so many other things. His senses aren't very heightened at the moment.

So, Max might recognize the nasally, slightly hoarse voice of someone who just finished crying. ]

Feel better?

[ His question is to Kuro. ]

I know I've given you guys a pretty hard life, but it really was just a few hours today.

[Hearing that type of voice, that kind of pained filter, over Ash's voice, stuns him; it isn't that he intends to lurk or eavesdrop. He's in the same kitchen. As soon as Ash comes around the bend, he'd be seen. He isn't that stupid. But he finds himself motionless.

Even though Max is here, Ash had gone off to cry alone.

It'd have been better not to come home. It'd be better to still be in jail.

Kuroneko tries to rub against his face, mewling again. It's not better. Ash is sad.]

Sorry.

[ His voice is choked again. He's moving to actually grab the food before going to the bowel. ]

You had it pretty good at the cafe, huh? Somebody always around, nobody trying to kill you.

[ There's a small scoop in the bag, one that might be gone if Max plans to feed him, one that isn't if he's bullying him instead. ]

I didn't plan to bring you into this. I'll make sure you'll get a good home. Better than this one.

[No. As if he could understand, Kuroneko mewls again. Because Max has absolutely no intent to feed him at all and has not even considered the scoop, Asher bites Max, begins to scratch on his hand, but by now, Max actively does find himself trying to stifle it to hide just a little longer.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject