Day 265 - Friday, September 12th

[papalobo]

[A Chinese man who is definitely a mature adult and not a teenager checks in to the Hyatt, one of their more exclusive rooms, along with his half-white half brother who is also certainly not a teenager and most definitely not the notorious gang leader wanted on suspicion of a September 11th New York City bombing in retaliation for an angry rogue sect of anti-American zealots.

The entire suite floor has been rented out, and it requires a special key card in the elevator and on the stairs to enter that floor. But they can rent one of the still very luxe rooms directly beneath.

A familiar white limo is in the car garage, though the opportunity to gawk or investigate is slim, between the security cameras and live guards.

There's still no contact from Max, but the Department of Homeland Security has become involved, and has begun to enter Ash's territory with intent to arrest any known figures within his gang to bring in for questioning.]

Day 284, Wednesday, Oct 1st

Comments

[jadedlynx]

The problem is that I fucked Blanca. Let's stop pretending it's not.

[papalobo]

It's not, and nobody's pretending.

[jadedlynx]

It is. You can proud of me, you can feel bad for me, but the Ash that goes to college and gets gang raped is still the Ash that fucked Blanca.

[papalobo]

The Ash that's fucking him's the one who managed to still get something out of sex, after he let go of the love of his life 'cause he figured he was robbing him of the whole sex part of love. It's huge progress in under a year. M'glad I got to be a part of it.

[jadedlynx]

That's bullshit.

Less than a year ago, I went to a bar and got drugged. The guys didn't actually manage to do much before you came. You tried to keep fighting them, but I got you to stay. After they were arrested, you took me home. You were pretty pissed that you couldn't do more then, but instead of trying to break into the station to finish it off, you waited until I woke up. You knew why I'd want you to be there.

Now, after I went through worse, you pretend that it doesn't make sense for me to care about that and decide I need you to run in there and be arrested again so I wake up for the next few months alone. Because it's not just that you feel like you should have done more, you're thinking Blanca could have.

You can say all the pretty words you want to Max, but the obvious is the obvious.

[papalobo]

If he knew about it, he'd be happy to be here, probably pencil in killing them for you in some way you never knew he's gone. [The ground loses it's interest. Fine. He starts to head inside.] All that was true before you were fucking him, too.

[jadedlynx]

But before I fucked him, it was never about him.

[ And now, it is. Always. Blanca never leaves.

Ash will follow. Soon. Suddenly, his legs are weak. ]

I'll be in soon.

[papalobo]

Sure it was. I drew a line over you hiring him at all, you ignored it. Insisted you needed me, 'n I came back like a sucker. The fact that I've never been enough isn't new.

[jadedlynx]

[ Max isn't wrong. Ash is even arguing roughly the same thing. It became more of a thing after the sex so he's sticking with that being the breaking point.

He'd used his trauma as an excuse for that, too. He was hurt and terrified so it was okay to do what he wanted. Now, because he's hurt and terrified, Max should get over it. He's the guy who cheated who's this angry that he's not trusted anymore.

The Ash that night from the bar was the Ash who hadn't shown the side who'd sleep with Blanca. A side had whispered that it was the same with the other people who was carrying about him.

He's angry. Irrationally. Normally, fair or not, he'd lash out. Right now, he barely has the energy to stand up, but when he does, it's confident and strong. Fake it. Don't try for that pity. It's the consequences of your actions. ]

Yeah, you did.

[ They can go inside now. ]

[papalobo]

So I'll keep being your sucker. You don't need me being all theatric right now.

[jadedlynx]

[ Saying he wants a boyfriend, not a sucker will change nothing. Instead, he'll make sure Max doesn't need to be a sucker. It doesn't need to be said. Ash has been too transparent, too open, to expecting after what he's done. ]

We'll find plenty to fight about inside, too.

[ Ash urges him to keep going inside. ]

[papalobo]

Then, c'mon.

[jadedlynx]

I'm right behind you.

[papalobo]

[Once inside, Ash is going to end up suddenly hugged again, not as hard, not as unsteady, but insistent.

This is all he can do.

It's not enough. It's seen as pity. It's not what Ash wants.

He's not enough.]

[jadedlynx]

[ After a moment, he hugs back. No matter the realization outside, his affection for Max is real. ]

You're wrong about why I had Blanca train me, at least in the way you see it. After what happened there and seeing pictures of you, Jessica, and Michael, it wasn't that you weren't enough. It was that I wasn't. I was pissed I wasn't strong enough to hold them back and scared I wouldn't be next time. Before you say it would have been different if I'd trusted you, Blanca wasn't enough then. I turned down his offer. I thought it was the only way I could still be around them without hating myself for putting them in danger.

[ He should have just handled the guilt or left.

Left, he knows now. ]

You don't have to say anything. It's an explanation, not an argument.

[papalobo]

Who the hell do you think you're talking to?

[He's tired. It's audible. But he is still Max; so of course he'll argue. Everything's an argument. He'll do what he's told, but if it's words, it's the one area he can go indefnitely.]

Only reason I managed to cockblock Eiji's 'cause you figured I was a little less dead weight. Once you figured it was all impossible after all, screw the one thing I had up on him, actually trying to do more'n talk about a normal life for you. You wrote it off as an act you'd go ahead and suffer more to keep up, but it wasn't a real possibility for you no more. You had to go train under him more, get even stronger, fight even more 'n you did against Golzine.

But then somehow, he convinced you the level you were gonna try to be at was too much. The guy works better with you than me. That's all.

M'just lucky to still be in the picture. Same way even after I tried to put my foot down one time, m'supposed to just come home 'cause you bothered to bend your pride enough to come ask me to. And you're right.

[ Eiji'd do it for you without arguing, without having to 'get it'. Until you're willing to admit you want him too, I'll have to play his part. ]

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash wants to argue that it's passive aggressive. 'Yeah, I'm at fault. You were wrong then and I had every right to be angry and leave you, but I came home so I'm to blame here'. He wants to keep arguing, and most times, he would. With the mounting fatigue and acceptance that means the loss of something he'd desperately tried to cling to, his tongue stays still until his mind reminds him of that acceptance.

The actions of the traumatized have the same consequences. ]

I never thought of Eiji as deadweight.

[ Their arguments shouldn't insult Eiji. ]

I thought I had to be strong enough to protect the stuff I wanted to keep. He made me realize that meant giving up everything I wanted to keep so I stopped.

[ His arms tighten, just a little. ]

I held onto the idea a lot longer than you think.

[ Even in the truck, when not able to admit why he wanted to stay in college, it was because it was something normal he wanted for himself. He'd made too many mistakes. Too many enemies. It's too dangerous. And even more dangerous, he's too messed up to be what anybody needed. Before he slept with Blanca, he wouldn't have even guessed Max could be reduced to this level of self-doubt. Then, he'd been arrogant to think he could fix it. Months later, there's no movement. He hurt him more than Jessica ever did. ]

[papalobo]

Past tense now, huh?

[jadedlynx]

You assumed it was past tense for a while now.

[ It's only been past tense for roughly 5 minutes. ]

[papalobo]

Go call him up, later. When you've given up on letting me try. M'sure he'll convince you.

[jadedlynx]

It's not like nobody tried before you.

[ Eiji had failed. As much as Ash loved him, Eiji failed to make him believe it. ]

It's not like I won't have a life if it's not a normal one.

[papalobo]

Blanca talked you down last time too, since all I could do was deck you in the stomach.

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash moves to step out of the hug. Max says he's trying, but he's not that stupid. He knows there's more to comfort than having arms around you. ]

I'm going to check on the cats.

[papalobo]

[Dejected, his arms go limp and slide off of him.

He's made this about himself. When Ash is a national news story. When his identity is going to become a crisis under legal scrutiny. When he's been abused by the system, after doing everything to keep safe from his more natural enemies.

Max has stopped believing in a normal life for the kid. It's not his fault; Ash doesn't deserve it. But the only one who could stop it is Blanca, and Blanca's presence by default disqualifies any life as natural.

There's no place for either Ash or Max here, and neither can make it. Max has managed to somehow make police interrogative rape worse.

Might be one of the more impressive things he's done.]

[jadedlynx]

[ He wanted it to be true. Probably, that's cruel enough that if Ash wasn't so tired, he'd be willing to fight about it. He hadn't cared before. He'd accepted his place in life after Dino died. Max came in and made him believe it enough to want it. Had him so close that he was willing to actually listen to an argument about it. Now, Ash has to want it while knowing it's impossible.

Too much of it was dependent on Max. Maybe that was proof he didn't believe it enough. With Max taken from him, the rest didn't seem likely either.

Max needed to heal. Ash can figure out the 'after' once that's accomplished. For now, he'll look for the two cats he can't keep in the end. He'll check their food, water, litter, and toys. He accepted the role of boss and did it well. For now, he'll make sure Max is healthy and go through the other motions, too.

If his shoulders shake when he's alone doing those things, it can't be counted as 'suckering' if nobody sees it. ]