Day 265 - Friday, September 12th

[papalobo]

[A Chinese man who is definitely a mature adult and not a teenager checks in to the Hyatt, one of their more exclusive rooms, along with his half-white half brother who is also certainly not a teenager and most definitely not the notorious gang leader wanted on suspicion of a September 11th New York City bombing in retaliation for an angry rogue sect of anti-American zealots.

The entire suite floor has been rented out, and it requires a special key card in the elevator and on the stairs to enter that floor. But they can rent one of the still very luxe rooms directly beneath.

A familiar white limo is in the car garage, though the opportunity to gawk or investigate is slim, between the security cameras and live guards.

There's still no contact from Max, but the Department of Homeland Security has become involved, and has begun to enter Ash's territory with intent to arrest any known figures within his gang to bring in for questioning.]

Day 284, Wednesday, Oct 1st

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[papalobo]

[Somehow dejected at that drop, he pulls away, eyes drifting off to the side, trying to find something on the porch to focus on, to find sudden fascination with.]

[jadedlynx]

Can you actually do it if you find the idea that stupid?

[ It's still the same confrontation, but it's less numb. ]

[papalobo]

I'm the one who's stupid. But you're the smart one, so if I go with it, that's probably the smarter thing to do...

[jadedlynx]

[ He really doesn't get it. Ash knows that he did. Once. After he'd been drugged at the bar, Max held him. It wasn't about something as simple as 'hugging'. It wasn't something just anyone could do. At that moment, it wasn't that arms were around him, it was all of the trust and affection that led up to that moment, it was that the person giving the hug had earned the ability to give that comfort. If Shawn came and offered to hold him, the thought would be appreciated but rejected even as someone Ash liked.

This felt like an embarrassing mockery. Max isn't holding him in hopes of offering the peace he once did. This isn't full of affection or love. ]

Let's go inside.

[ Ash just wants to be off this porch. ]

[papalobo]

[As expected. Ash doesn't want to be held by him. It's a meaningless gesture.

It'd mean something from Eiji.

Blanca made it mean something when Max was 'dead.']

...I'll...

[Why stay outside? They're as far apart as can be, regardless of propinquity.]

Yeah.

[jadedlynx]

[ But Ash doesn't move. He wants to move. He wants things to be different. ]

How do I get it back?

[ He won't say all of the 'thats' which come to mind. Either Max knows, or he'll reassure Ash it's still there while it's very much not. He also won't beg Max to tell him. His begging days are over. Why lower himself to that when it never works? When Max ignores him when it happens? ]

[papalobo]

[It, huh? Max lingers, finding that something fascinating down at the deck by his feet, apparently. His fists clench and unclench.]

...I'll get it for you. You got enough going on.

[jadedlynx]

If it worked that way, I wouldn't have to ask.

[papalobo]

The problem's with me. It's always been.

[jadedlynx]

The problem is that I fucked Blanca. Let's stop pretending it's not.

[papalobo]

It's not, and nobody's pretending.

[jadedlynx]

It is. You can proud of me, you can feel bad for me, but the Ash that goes to college and gets gang raped is still the Ash that fucked Blanca.

[papalobo]

The Ash that's fucking him's the one who managed to still get something out of sex, after he let go of the love of his life 'cause he figured he was robbing him of the whole sex part of love. It's huge progress in under a year. M'glad I got to be a part of it.

[jadedlynx]

That's bullshit.

Less than a year ago, I went to a bar and got drugged. The guys didn't actually manage to do much before you came. You tried to keep fighting them, but I got you to stay. After they were arrested, you took me home. You were pretty pissed that you couldn't do more then, but instead of trying to break into the station to finish it off, you waited until I woke up. You knew why I'd want you to be there.

Now, after I went through worse, you pretend that it doesn't make sense for me to care about that and decide I need you to run in there and be arrested again so I wake up for the next few months alone. Because it's not just that you feel like you should have done more, you're thinking Blanca could have.

You can say all the pretty words you want to Max, but the obvious is the obvious.

[papalobo]

If he knew about it, he'd be happy to be here, probably pencil in killing them for you in some way you never knew he's gone. [The ground loses it's interest. Fine. He starts to head inside.] All that was true before you were fucking him, too.

[jadedlynx]

But before I fucked him, it was never about him.

[ And now, it is. Always. Blanca never leaves.

Ash will follow. Soon. Suddenly, his legs are weak. ]

I'll be in soon.

[papalobo]

Sure it was. I drew a line over you hiring him at all, you ignored it. Insisted you needed me, 'n I came back like a sucker. The fact that I've never been enough isn't new.

[jadedlynx]

[ Max isn't wrong. Ash is even arguing roughly the same thing. It became more of a thing after the sex so he's sticking with that being the breaking point.

He'd used his trauma as an excuse for that, too. He was hurt and terrified so it was okay to do what he wanted. Now, because he's hurt and terrified, Max should get over it. He's the guy who cheated who's this angry that he's not trusted anymore.

The Ash that night from the bar was the Ash who hadn't shown the side who'd sleep with Blanca. A side had whispered that it was the same with the other people who was carrying about him.

He's angry. Irrationally. Normally, fair or not, he'd lash out. Right now, he barely has the energy to stand up, but when he does, it's confident and strong. Fake it. Don't try for that pity. It's the consequences of your actions. ]

Yeah, you did.

[ They can go inside now. ]

[papalobo]

So I'll keep being your sucker. You don't need me being all theatric right now.

[jadedlynx]

[ Saying he wants a boyfriend, not a sucker will change nothing. Instead, he'll make sure Max doesn't need to be a sucker. It doesn't need to be said. Ash has been too transparent, too open, to expecting after what he's done. ]

We'll find plenty to fight about inside, too.

[ Ash urges him to keep going inside. ]

[papalobo]

Then, c'mon.

[jadedlynx]

I'm right behind you.

[papalobo]

[Once inside, Ash is going to end up suddenly hugged again, not as hard, not as unsteady, but insistent.

This is all he can do.

It's not enough. It's seen as pity. It's not what Ash wants.

He's not enough.]

[jadedlynx]

[ After a moment, he hugs back. No matter the realization outside, his affection for Max is real. ]

You're wrong about why I had Blanca train me, at least in the way you see it. After what happened there and seeing pictures of you, Jessica, and Michael, it wasn't that you weren't enough. It was that I wasn't. I was pissed I wasn't strong enough to hold them back and scared I wouldn't be next time. Before you say it would have been different if I'd trusted you, Blanca wasn't enough then. I turned down his offer. I thought it was the only way I could still be around them without hating myself for putting them in danger.

[ He should have just handled the guilt or left.

Left, he knows now. ]

You don't have to say anything. It's an explanation, not an argument.

[papalobo]

Who the hell do you think you're talking to?

[He's tired. It's audible. But he is still Max; so of course he'll argue. Everything's an argument. He'll do what he's told, but if it's words, it's the one area he can go indefnitely.]

Only reason I managed to cockblock Eiji's 'cause you figured I was a little less dead weight. Once you figured it was all impossible after all, screw the one thing I had up on him, actually trying to do more'n talk about a normal life for you. You wrote it off as an act you'd go ahead and suffer more to keep up, but it wasn't a real possibility for you no more. You had to go train under him more, get even stronger, fight even more 'n you did against Golzine.

But then somehow, he convinced you the level you were gonna try to be at was too much. The guy works better with you than me. That's all.

M'just lucky to still be in the picture. Same way even after I tried to put my foot down one time, m'supposed to just come home 'cause you bothered to bend your pride enough to come ask me to. And you're right.

[ Eiji'd do it for you without arguing, without having to 'get it'. Until you're willing to admit you want him too, I'll have to play his part. ]