Day 265 - Friday, September 12th

[papalobo]

[A Chinese man who is definitely a mature adult and not a teenager checks in to the Hyatt, one of their more exclusive rooms, along with his half-white half brother who is also certainly not a teenager and most definitely not the notorious gang leader wanted on suspicion of a September 11th New York City bombing in retaliation for an angry rogue sect of anti-American zealots.

The entire suite floor has been rented out, and it requires a special key card in the elevator and on the stairs to enter that floor. But they can rent one of the still very luxe rooms directly beneath.

A familiar white limo is in the car garage, though the opportunity to gawk or investigate is slim, between the security cameras and live guards.

There's still no contact from Max, but the Department of Homeland Security has become involved, and has begun to enter Ash's territory with intent to arrest any known figures within his gang to bring in for questioning.]

Day 284, Wednesday, Oct 1st

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[papalobo]

[Relucantly, deliberately, his hold softens. It's still painful.]

[jadedlynx]

Do you remember choking me in prison?

[ It really does likely seem either random or an attempt to guilt him, but it's neither. ]

[papalobo]

[It softens further still, taking it as a hint he's going too hard.]

[jadedlynx]

You saw stuff that wasn't there because of what happened while you were deployed. Our heads mess with us, mixes up what happened in the past with what's happening now. You're not dense that you can't figure out how somebody could be more useful if they're here than if they're anywhere else if you get out of whatever had space tells you that beating somebody up is the only kind of skill that's worth anything.

[papalobo]

[If it were just a matter of being here, plenty of other people would do it, if he'd let them. But he has to suffer with Max's subpar, delusional company.

If Max weren't s jealous, Ash could've had Blanca here.

Eiji might be kept at a distance for safety but he's the gold standard.

None of those are thoughts he can voice. None of this is about him. If being here is doing any good, fine. Even if he doesn't believe it, he'll do it.]

[jadedlynx]

[ But now, Ash is sure that Max finds the very need ridiculous. Ash shouldn't need this.

Max says it's fine to need this.

He also acted like the idea was stupid.

He's confused. He's tired.

The arms holding Max up, they weren't even needed at the moment, drop. ]

[papalobo]

[Somehow dejected at that drop, he pulls away, eyes drifting off to the side, trying to find something on the porch to focus on, to find sudden fascination with.]

[jadedlynx]

Can you actually do it if you find the idea that stupid?

[ It's still the same confrontation, but it's less numb. ]

[papalobo]

I'm the one who's stupid. But you're the smart one, so if I go with it, that's probably the smarter thing to do...

[jadedlynx]

[ He really doesn't get it. Ash knows that he did. Once. After he'd been drugged at the bar, Max held him. It wasn't about something as simple as 'hugging'. It wasn't something just anyone could do. At that moment, it wasn't that arms were around him, it was all of the trust and affection that led up to that moment, it was that the person giving the hug had earned the ability to give that comfort. If Shawn came and offered to hold him, the thought would be appreciated but rejected even as someone Ash liked.

This felt like an embarrassing mockery. Max isn't holding him in hopes of offering the peace he once did. This isn't full of affection or love. ]

Let's go inside.

[ Ash just wants to be off this porch. ]

[papalobo]

[As expected. Ash doesn't want to be held by him. It's a meaningless gesture.

It'd mean something from Eiji.

Blanca made it mean something when Max was 'dead.']

...I'll...

[Why stay outside? They're as far apart as can be, regardless of propinquity.]

Yeah.

[jadedlynx]

[ But Ash doesn't move. He wants to move. He wants things to be different. ]

How do I get it back?

[ He won't say all of the 'thats' which come to mind. Either Max knows, or he'll reassure Ash it's still there while it's very much not. He also won't beg Max to tell him. His begging days are over. Why lower himself to that when it never works? When Max ignores him when it happens? ]

[papalobo]

[It, huh? Max lingers, finding that something fascinating down at the deck by his feet, apparently. His fists clench and unclench.]

...I'll get it for you. You got enough going on.

[jadedlynx]

If it worked that way, I wouldn't have to ask.

[papalobo]

The problem's with me. It's always been.

[jadedlynx]

The problem is that I fucked Blanca. Let's stop pretending it's not.

[papalobo]

It's not, and nobody's pretending.

[jadedlynx]

It is. You can proud of me, you can feel bad for me, but the Ash that goes to college and gets gang raped is still the Ash that fucked Blanca.

[papalobo]

The Ash that's fucking him's the one who managed to still get something out of sex, after he let go of the love of his life 'cause he figured he was robbing him of the whole sex part of love. It's huge progress in under a year. M'glad I got to be a part of it.

[jadedlynx]

That's bullshit.

Less than a year ago, I went to a bar and got drugged. The guys didn't actually manage to do much before you came. You tried to keep fighting them, but I got you to stay. After they were arrested, you took me home. You were pretty pissed that you couldn't do more then, but instead of trying to break into the station to finish it off, you waited until I woke up. You knew why I'd want you to be there.

Now, after I went through worse, you pretend that it doesn't make sense for me to care about that and decide I need you to run in there and be arrested again so I wake up for the next few months alone. Because it's not just that you feel like you should have done more, you're thinking Blanca could have.

You can say all the pretty words you want to Max, but the obvious is the obvious.

[papalobo]

If he knew about it, he'd be happy to be here, probably pencil in killing them for you in some way you never knew he's gone. [The ground loses it's interest. Fine. He starts to head inside.] All that was true before you were fucking him, too.

[jadedlynx]

But before I fucked him, it was never about him.

[ And now, it is. Always. Blanca never leaves.

Ash will follow. Soon. Suddenly, his legs are weak. ]

I'll be in soon.

[papalobo]

Sure it was. I drew a line over you hiring him at all, you ignored it. Insisted you needed me, 'n I came back like a sucker. The fact that I've never been enough isn't new.

[jadedlynx]

[ Max isn't wrong. Ash is even arguing roughly the same thing. It became more of a thing after the sex so he's sticking with that being the breaking point.

He'd used his trauma as an excuse for that, too. He was hurt and terrified so it was okay to do what he wanted. Now, because he's hurt and terrified, Max should get over it. He's the guy who cheated who's this angry that he's not trusted anymore.

The Ash that night from the bar was the Ash who hadn't shown the side who'd sleep with Blanca. A side had whispered that it was the same with the other people who was carrying about him.

He's angry. Irrationally. Normally, fair or not, he'd lash out. Right now, he barely has the energy to stand up, but when he does, it's confident and strong. Fake it. Don't try for that pity. It's the consequences of your actions. ]

Yeah, you did.

[ They can go inside now. ]

[papalobo]

So I'll keep being your sucker. You don't need me being all theatric right now.