Day 265 - Friday, September 12th

[papalobo]

[A Chinese man who is definitely a mature adult and not a teenager checks in to the Hyatt, one of their more exclusive rooms, along with his half-white half brother who is also certainly not a teenager and most definitely not the notorious gang leader wanted on suspicion of a September 11th New York City bombing in retaliation for an angry rogue sect of anti-American zealots.

The entire suite floor has been rented out, and it requires a special key card in the elevator and on the stairs to enter that floor. But they can rent one of the still very luxe rooms directly beneath.

A familiar white limo is in the car garage, though the opportunity to gawk or investigate is slim, between the security cameras and live guards.

There's still no contact from Max, but the Department of Homeland Security has become involved, and has begun to enter Ash's territory with intent to arrest any known figures within his gang to bring in for questioning.]

Day 284, Wednesday, Oct 1st

Comments

[papalobo]

[His arm jerks, hard, angry, a sincere attempt to push him back.]

If I don't, you'll keep acting like it's something you should be able to just shrug through like you do!

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash's attempt to hold him back is just as sincere. ]

Having you in jail won't change my mind, but it will mean I'll hide it when it happens in the future! If you want to change my mind, stay here and change it!

[papalobo]

I can't change it! [Ash is, unfortunately, stronger than him now. Enough that he doesn't even have the raw muscle power to make it at least the struggle he could have before even without hitting him.] That's why this's all I can do!

[jadedlynx]

I want you to stay here with me!

[ This is the anger he's talking about. ]

[papalobo]

Only 'cause you want me outtah trouble, there's nothing me being here does for you!

[jadedlynx]

Because if you're not here, I'm alone with them again!

[papalobo]

Bullshit! What the fuck'm I gonna do, hug it away?! Who's the fucker who spent the last nine months telling you your life wasn't gonna always be this?! You're too smart to feel good 'cause some idiot who don't know what he's talking about says nice things! I don't even say 'em that good! If you get to--nggh... [He tries pushing at Ash's face to see if he can get an opening to make a break for the truck] ---blame yourself for that, so do I!

[jadedlynx]

[ He ducks the hand. ]

You're being a fucking coward and running off to feed your own ego! I'm telling you what I want, and you decide it's a fucking lie because it's not the easy thing for you to do!

[papalobo]

You think going in to a fight I can't win, when I won't even get a bruise on them, feeds my ego?!

[jadedlynx]

Yes! You're doing it for yourself, not me! I didn't spend three weeks hoping for this! I told you what happened, and then I'm fucking begging you not to leave me, but you decide I'm lying because then you feel better about going off on your suicide mission! It's getting harder to believe you when you say you love me if you can't even keep your ass around me when I need you to be around me!

[papalobo]

I'm not helping you! What am I supposed to do, hug you and say sorry it happened?! Where was I 'till now?! Locked up! I already made you deal with the aftermath alone! No fucking wonder you needed a replacement!

[jadedlynx]

[ Ash swings at Max's face. ]

The aftermath?! What, you think it's a two-day cooling period, and then it's all over?! I'm still on the medicine I got from the hospital! It's still happening, Max, and I'm sorry I cheated, but you can get back at me in some way that doesn't involve focusing on your ego right now!

[papalobo]

[He doesn't expect it, and so it goes completely unblocked. It's enough to have him on the ground with a hard grunt, dazed, but too mad to even be surprised, still raging, even if his body is reeling.]

You think this's about 'getting back at you'?!

[jadedlynx]

I think before Blanca, this isn't something I'd have to beg for.

[papalobo]

[Max struggles to sit up, wiping at where Ash's fist made contact with the back of his own hand.]

I'm getting blamed for that shit now...? I know m'the one who told you to do it, but fuck... Now every fuck up I made, you're gonna wrap back around to that? Like I ain't been a fuck-up falling short of Eiji from the start... I hate to break it to you, but when you tried to pick the middle of the road guy, all you got was the worst of both worlds!

[jadedlynx]

You're the one comparing yourself to him, not me! You're so desperate to try to prove something to yourself that you decided the only fucking kind of thing that matters is how hard somebody can punch!

[papalobo]

Should I make it about how hard I can hug you, instead?

[jadedlynx]

[ Suddenly, as if realizing the weight of his words, Ash freezes, a red flush coming to pale cheeks. He was begging Max to stay here and help. Begging. 'I was raped, and now I'm sad. Don't leave me'. Maybe he was more neutered than he thought. Now with that question, shame washes over him. The words sound so ridiculous in his head that the need to have somebody close is humiliating. Weak.

For a moment, shame steals his voice. ]

[papalobo]

[Those words don't suit Ash. So, they're not words Max hears; Ash is saying what it takes to make Max heel, another burden to take care of. After all, Ash is the idiot who tried to insist it's nothing, that it should be nothing, that it should be something he's over. Someone has to lash out. Someone has to show Ash it's not only okay to not be okay, but that it can't be okay for the other side, no matter what, even once it is okay for the victim.

But he doesn't make a break for the truck, instead struggling to stand up.]

[jadedlynx]

[ He's gotten weak. The old Ash would've sucked it up and moved on. He'd told Jessica he didn't have time to break after every rape. That kind of thinking hurt much less than the sudden punch to the gut. Max either thinks it's ridiculous that he would have that kind of need, or he doesn't care that the need exists. Neither is a pleasant thought.

Something heavy forms in his gut.

How was he convinced to try again? When did he start to fall for what Max said? Why did he start to fall for what Max said? Why was he still falling for it? Begging never worked. Opening himself up didn't work.

Ah, he really had been stupid. ]

[papalobo]

[Once standing, he waits for the argument, catching his breath.]

[jadedlynx]

[ It happens in front of Max's eyes. The flush begins to fade. The vulnerability behind wide eyes leaves as they set into something more neutral. ]

I'll knock you out and drag you inside I have to. Get in the house.

[papalobo]

[Ash has realized it too. He's convinced him. He's not Eiji. He's not actually enough.

Winning arguments shouldn't feel so pyrrhic.

He stays in place. He's not enough. He's weight. He's one more burden to manage. Of course, obediently going inside will take that off of his plate.

That's all he can do about it, though. What's he going to do, write an angry article about it? One anonymous victim, who'll be traced back to him easily enough by anyone who follows the news?]

[jadedlynx]

[ Begging didn't work. Yelling didn't work. Maybe force will.

Max has fallen out of love. It's not the first time he's questioned that, but it's the first time he's been so sure. Having Max run away without notice was almost there, and even when they met again, they probably shouldn't have gotten back together.

So this is what it feels like to love and not be loved. Blanda suggests he keeps going full force, but he has so little left to give beyond the basics right now. Even his love life, or increasingly lack thereof, paled in comparison to the pain that came from being the victim. Again.

Ash waits. He'll survive this. He always does. ]

[papalobo]

[And Max, too, waits. He's less sure for what, maybe a solution he's not smart enough, people savvy enough to come up with. How does he make this better? There's no fixing it. Already, Ash has reverted to a numbed act, like he just needs to barrel through this.]